twin mom

Joining the dots..

2011-12-29T04:14:00.000-08:00

The next few lines quoted from Meera..
In one of his speeches, Steve Jobs insisted that you can always connect the dots in your life that leads you to where you are now.

From me..

Yes..I can see the dots connecting, but can't yet make out what picture its going to make!! And I'd belived that my picture was made and all I needed to do was color in for the rest of my life, and boy..wasn't I wrong? New dots were being drawn all the while..would they erase the picture as it stands now, or complement it? Lets see a year from now..

Poxy holiday..

2011-12-28T14:01:00.000-08:00

And thats what happens when life moves on too fast..you end up catching yourself at a few moments recaping all thats been happening and wondering where you are..

Relocating from Cambridge to Bristol would have been even more fun if not for the Chicken Pox..considering that I seemd to have everything mentioned in the websites as 'In rare cases', I haven't done too badly, if I am sitting down now and typing this away! But ofcourse, this is after 5 grilling days of blisters, itching, headache, sorethroat and sheer pain! Its also a great deal of fun to pop in paracetamols every 4 hours in the vain hope that I can sleep off the days till it starts getting better..not very feasible with three very boisterous kids at home on holiday! If it is an Octonaut waking me up now, its a Banana in Pyjamas the next..so, sleep was more or less restricted to the nights, which too was eventually sucessful once I pushed Karthik off to the other room..

Santa did visit us, though mummy was sick..and suprisingly, he seemed to have given a cart load of craft! A few cheap guns, bubbles and some chocolates, but mainly, a lot of art and craft..
How does santa know we like craft?
How does he know our names?
Did you and dad buy these or Santa?
How did he know that Kautu likes 3 Cars?
Why didnt his Reindeer eat the Carrot we put for him outside? (*Ahem* Yes, we forgot to remove it in the morning!)
Why did he buy it from Sainsbury?

Mummy and daddy almost told you guys the truth this year..but surely, you boys will be told it all by next..but take care, Krithika's isn't to know for another few, ok?

And thats all from us for now...wish you all a very happy year ahead!!

Life as I knew it

2010-12-17T07:03:00.000-08:00

Changes so often. I wonder at times if it is something to do with me. I worked for a year, then married and took off for another year while pregnant with the twins, then worked from home another year after they were born, worked full time whole carrying my daughter, quit after another year, relocated to uk a year later, and now going back to college and working in a totally different field all together! Ahhhh.... To tell the truth, life has been full and varied, but now I long for some consistency and my old work back! Teaching seemed very fascinating while in IT and IT looks exciting when in teaching! Its not that I don't enjoy what I have, my commitment to work has always been 100 per cent, yet, there is always the thought that I will only be happy with something that pushes me well beyond my comfort zone and I am not too sure that this job is doing that. Anyway, this post is just to clear my head..and I will greatly appreciate input for your end...have you had issues like these before? If so, how did you sort it out? If not, what would you do if you were me?

Goblie (Final and last part)

2010-11-08T08:40:00.000-08:00

Story for a picture book..a favourite with my kids!
..............................................

GOBLIE

There is a monster called Goblie,
Who lives in the Caribbean sea.

She is blue, big and good,
And no, children are not her favorite food.

She has eyes the colour of the sun
And hair on her head looks like a bun!

One day when she came up for air,
There was a fishing boat stuck in her hair!

She shook her head, for it was tickling her so
And the boat fell, far far below.

'A monster! Blue, big and bad!'
The fishermen's words made Goblie sad.

She swam away with her head bent low
And the fishermen swam to the shore.

'Do you know what we spied?
A monster in the lake!!' They cried.

With sticks, bricks, shears and bows,
They set out to give Goblie some blows.

But Goblie heard them and stayed far away
And they went back, the very same way.

Goblie stayed in her tiny cave,
Lonely, sad and very grave.

It was a hot summers day.
Children dived into the sea to play.

The water was pleasantly cool,
BUT, what they didn't see … was a WHIRLPOOL!

Two of them were sucked into.
Their cries of help echoed through.

'Horror of horrors! Who could that be?
Surely, its the monster and it's coming to eat me!!!!'

Their daddies and mummies on the shore
Began crying even more.

But what they saw happening out there,
Made them stand still and stare.

Goblie was emerging from the whirlpool,
With a smile on her face, ever so cool.

And seated on Goblie's back,
Were two tiny backpacks!

Beaming from ear to ear,
They gave everyone a loud cheer.

Goblie is a monster, blue, big and good.
She wouldn't eat children, even if she could.

She used to stay in her tiny cave,
But now has a house her tiny friends gave!!!

Goblie (Story for ages 2-5)

2010-10-30T07:42:00.000-07:00

There is a monster called Goblie,
who lives in the Caribbean sea.

She is blue, big and good,
and no, children are not her favorite food.

She has eyes the colour of the sun
and hair on her head looks like a bun!

One day when she came up for air,
there was a fishing boat stuck in her hair!

To be Contd...

The diamond trip of United Kingdom ... Part 1

2010-09-21T02:09:00.000-07:00

Thats what we like calling it! Our trip started out with six energetic adults and three enthusiastic children and finished after seven days with five tired adults and three enthusiastic children (no..we didn't loose anyone.. One adult flew back home!).

My brother H and wife N and my parents settled in their car and we stuffed ourselves and the tents and the groceries and the sleeping bags and the duvets and the clothes and the picnic table and chairs and the folding chairs and the stove and the gas and the vessels into ours!! After a lot of breaks we finally reached Wasdale...a lovely place in lake district..where we had been before. Karthik and I love the place. It holds something for us, I don't know what. But I would return there again next year and forever till we are in UK. A few snaps of the place before I continue the tour diary.v I can't seem to put in words the feeling we had when we set out after having had hot idlis( my doad was the kitchen..rather, stove in charge during the trip and he managed to get us delicious south indian food all through scotland!) to walk around the lake. A few pictures might speak a thousand words, or it might not convey anything at all. Tell me.

Parents at home

2010-08-25T04:29:00.000-07:00

After months of waiting, dad and mom are here! The kids had been getting frantic a week before they were due to arrive. Kachi and Kautu would start the day enquiring if they have come and krithika starts putting on her shoes to go and pick them up! Then finally, the D day arrived and we all set off, my brother and wife, karthik, me and the kids to pick them up. Oh..so joyful to see the reunion of the oldest and the youngest in our family!
The time spent with us seems all too little now. Barely two weeks after he arrived, my dad went back. We managed a cross England camping trip that lasted a week, a single day exploring London, punting on river Cam and loads and loads of shopping the while he was here. Mom is here another month, and I have put on an additional few Kgs with all the good food, morning, noon and night!
Ah...I really was missing my almost every month trips to Chennai to see them, and the frequent visits of Mom to Bangalore, when Karthik and I would take off from our duties and relax in her cooking and pampering! Isn't it so wonderful that you have someone who loves the kids as much as you and you can unburden yourself totally to them and relax without a thought in your head? I often think of children who don't have grandparents...how much they are missing, all the old stories, the feeling of listening to and loving someone other than your parents and ofcourse, the yum food. Anyway, let me enjoy myself a bit more and get back to the sorry posts after they have gone!!

When we reached paradise

2010-06-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

We reached it by around 4 in the evening, last saturday, after a 7 hour drive from Cambridge. We knew we were entering it when the country side began giving way to rolling hills and mooing cows and baaing sheep. We exited the motorway to go past the lush greenery and the beautiful, quaint cottages with flowers hanging from every possible corner and stopping the car every now and then to allow for stray sheep and lamb on the road. And then, we took a turn to the right and nearly had our eyes fallen out! We saw a pristine lake at the footsteps of a tall mountain, with flowers adorning her side and nothing else. No civilisation, no people and we had a ten minute drive by the side of the lake till we came to our campsite.
From then on, it was sheer fun and time whizzed by till we found ourselves home! Pitching the tent, making dinner on our small portable gas, chatting away outside the tent while the kids slept, surrounded by no other noise than the sound of the sheep, looking around to find your vision blocked by trees and mountains, waking up the next day to a hot cup of tea which I sipped sitting under a tree and watching the kids playing around, the drive to the lake, the brilliant three hours we spent there-feeling like the only people in the whole wide world, the kids throwing stones for hours on end into the water, the picnic by the lake, the scramble back into the car when thunder threatened our outing, cooking lunch, eating hot hot sambar sadam, heaviest rain we have seen in England, water seeping through our tent!!, walk by the mountain farm in the evening, the bridge across forever, the fallen pasta and eager mouths, the night in the tent with the rain outside, sitting by the lantern light and having a pasta dinner, talking into the night while the kids slept, the last day blues, packing up the tent, trip to windermere, river cruise, swans galore and the long drive home.
Suffered a mild depression after coming back, for we had left a large part of ourselves there, and we have promised ourselves another trip back there soon.

Why?..I am beat!

2010-04-06T05:12:00.000-07:00

Why do we blink our eyes?
Why does the wheel rotate when the pram moves?
Why does the pram shake when it goes over the stones?
Why do we have a mouth?
Why does that aunty shake while walking?
Why should we wake up when the sun comes?
Why do we have to sleep when the sun is still there? (sunset is at 8.00pm these days, after the kids bedtime!)
Why do we come down when we jump? (explained a lil bit of gravitation and the apple falling!)
Why do we have 10 fingers and not only 1?
Why does the cycle not have life? ...
cause it is made of metal.
Why is it made of metal?
cause it has to be strong enough to carry you.
But why does metal not have life?
*sigh* *..forced to go back to the easiest reply possible ..* cause god made it so!!!

...Kashyap n kaustubh's questions, karthik n I get a thrill just hearing them and trying to think of an answer they can understand.

Life has been going on...

2010-03-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

at full speed. Kids have even changed schools in the few months that we've been here. They got admission to the school at the end of our lane, so pulled them out from their older one which was less than 10 minutes walk to put them here. Really, such absurd distances kids have to travel to school here! They seem to like the new one too, though I was a bit skeptical, and this change was quite a difficult one for me. Coz I liked the 10 min walk. Coz the old school had a lot more discipline. Coz I had made a friend there. Coz the kids loved their teacher. Coz they brought back a drawing each day. Coz they had a lovely climbing bar in the ground. Coz it was close to the library and the park.
I do hope I have a lot of Coz of this school too. Now baby was getting bored in the house when the kids were at school. So I have started taking her to the playgroups here. Such a lovely concept. I pay 1.5 pounds for two hours and there are ample toys, snacks and even tea and coffee and biscuits for the moms. Not to mention, a lot of other moms you can chatter away with. The last half hour is filled with rhymes and music with all the moms and dads taking part. Its quite a lot of fun and we even have walking songs where you hold hands with your kids and take them around in a circle singing their favorite songs. Baby loves every minute of it. I love the tea, the conversation and the books that i take along. These groups meet just once or twice a week, so have found three different ones so that I have a playgroup to go to everyday.
And then, we usually walk/drive to the park in the evenings, when the climate is nice and sunny. So that takes care of the rest of the afternoon and evenings. So time is flying and how.
Kids are having a blast and we are too. I think, the right words for any kids are:
lots of play, different places every three hours, good food and relaxed parents. Am I right?

How much more sweeter can it get??

2010-03-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

......when your son hugs you spontaneously and says " I love you, Amma". I tell him "I love you too" and he says "I love you three" and opens his hand wide just letting you now how much he loves you!!!
......when your daughter comes and cuddles with you and starts pinching your cheeks, kissing your face all over and tells you "Amma..I want to konjafy" (She wants me to cuddle with her!)
......when the kids eat all the food you lovingly prepared for them and say "Mummy, your food is yummy!"
......when you wear a new dress and your sons say "Amma, you are looking VERY pretty!" (they like me wearing black).
......when you see their face lighting up as they spot you waiting outside their class door and they rush with their days activity sheet in hand, eager to show you their scribbles.
......when you spot the stickers your sons have from school says "Good work", "Teachers special award", "hard working" and "star student"!!!!
......when you take them to a play pen and they spend four hours inside, hanging, rolling, climbing and sliding, and then you join them, creeking your aging bones in the process and find them directing you "Amma, you have to climb like this and then go like that ...."

It can't get sweeter than this, can it?

What not to love

2010-02-21T12:50:00.000-08:00

If you really had a choice, what would you prefer not to love? You could be in love with the climate no matter what it may be, in love with your husband and kids and house, in love with your job, your friends, food, movies, a walk, your thoughts, in fact, your very life. But if given the one thing that you would prefer not to love, what would it be?
Well, lets see, for me, it would be the constant need to justify everything I do. Its a habit picked up a few years back, and its not yet been rid of. I have to justify to myself, every minute thing I do. If I rest, if I am working too hard, if I am reading a book, if I am running a bit late to take them to school, if I am putting my legs up and letting karthik do the vessels for a change, ..just about anything. Really, its time I learnt to just give it up and be happy following my heart and doing just what I feel like doing (well, thats precisely what I am doing right now, what I need to stop is, the brain telling the rest of me that what my heart is doing is not what should be done by an ideal mom/wife/daughter and so on!)
So, I am gonna try getting the brain to shut down for a while and live in a heart felt stupor for a while!
Adieu...

A trip to london, a car, a tv, the library, school and movies!!!!!

2010-02-16T08:17:00.001-08:00

Yeah...thats about what we have been upto the past few weeks! Its been a whole lot of fun, getting new stuff and going to new places and putting the kids in school. But what I enjoyed the most was setting up the house! My daily activity would be searching gumtree for all the lovely second hand stuff we can get, and believe me, we got real great deals! We've been selling and reselling a lot of stuff and I am in love with some of the quaint furniture we have got! There is this lovely rattan set, chest of draws, corner table and bedside table which we got for a steal of 25 pounds, and it looks like new! We got another real antique looking pure wood chest of draws that I have converted into a dressing table, well, it does look a bit converted, but cute all the same. Sold off our old book rack and have put a few more items for sale, but no hits so far. Its so much more fun looking at the best deals, figuring out just how far is the person's place and whether the price and the item is worth all that travel and finally getting a good piece home. Its kindof addicting. I am having to drag myself out of gumtree and I thought writing a blog about it will give me a break from the 24x7 perusing of the site!
On other things, we did a trip to london a few weeks back, wanted to name the post.."London trip-part 1", cause thats exactly what it was! We went to my cousins place, had a blast with her family, she has a daughter my twins age and they all freaked out. All four in the tub, tumbling around, eating and spilling around the house and what not! And, we saw.....the london bridge. Thats about it! Took us around 4 hours finish our slow walk across the bridge and by then we were famished. Went to east ham, the Indian quarters of London and ate a full meals at Vasantha Bhawan, karthik was thrilled beyond words. So, I think there must be atleast parts 2 - 6 to finish up a bit of london.
Kids started school last week. They go to the afternoon batch, quite a lot of work for me! Getting them ready, fed and then walking for a good 15 minutes with them in the cold. It takes more than that if they decide to stop and watch the cars going, railway track, signals and other kids on bikes. We do somehow manage to make it in time. Karthik tried it a few days back and he did a hats off for me!! The challenge is in doing all this without blowing off the top. Maybe the kriya helps (meditation is making me a better mom!!). They love the school. Infact, kautu starts asking at around 11..."Amma, why are we not dressing up? We NEED to go to school". Ok, dears, I too am all in favor of you going, though the two hours you are there is hardly a break for me. It takes me another 15 min to walk with baby back, (she sits in her pushchair, thankfully). Then your dad comes home for lunch and by the time he leaves its time for me to started getting ready again to come n pick you up. So, tell me, who is having a better time, you or me? They have milk and a fruit at school and always have milk whiskers when I go to pick them up..looks sooo cute. They come running out and give a big kiss to baby and thrust their days activity paper at me. I then sit down to button up their coats which they have put on by themselves in class, and so its almost always either buttoned up wrong or not at all. Then we all start our long walk home. Only, the coming back takes longer due to either our library visit or the school stories.
And then there was the library membership. Ahhh.. I have been binging on books the past few weeks. Would finish up a book a day and they have such a huge collection (well, its free too, that counts!). We usually go there on the way back from school as said above and the kids sit on the engine in the kids section while I finish up my selections. Then we take a book for them and start back. Got caught in a blizzard last week (full with the snow and wind and all!). Luckily for us we had popped into the library, else would have landed up in no mans land during the blizzard, can't imagine what it would have been like with the kids stranded on the road.
Well, we finally bought a car two weeks back. So, I do drop them to school if its raining or snowing in the car, but I really prefer walking as parking is quite a pain, have to keep doing rounds to see if someone is taking the car out. Car is a boon, and the one we got is quite similar in controls to the one I used to drive in bangalore, so its quite a breeze (esp. the lovely roads and well behaved traffic.). If you can drive in any of the metros in India, you can pretty much drive any where else!

And the movies! Got a 40" tv and a blu ray player, so, its been a movie a day for the past few days..seen revolutionary road, volverine (or is it with a W?), curious case of benjamin button, kung fu panda, hangover (awsome!), knowing (terrible, bah) and more on the way. Kids sleep off at 7.30 these days, so we chill out after that.

Enough of my yak, yak? I'll get on with the snaps.

The leashes are not visible in this snap, but we had two leashes for both the boys which joined their hands with mine! Thats what saved our sanity that day.

Finally, a family snap.

In front of their school .. the first day.

By the river cam, on a sunny day

Feeding the ducks n swans, we all love this! Last week we finished up two entire loafs of bread. You should see how fast the ducks can swim when they want to catch that bit!

It sunned today!!!

2010-01-17T12:56:00.000-08:00

Yippeeeee.....the sun showed itself today! After days of rain and snow, the sun came out bright and beautiful for the entire day..and could we sit at home??? No way...we lugged the kids and a picnic hamper along and left early in the morning (an hour after sunrise, at 10.00 am) for some exploring. Went to another part of the river stretch, the one next to Kings college and the museums and had a lovely time sunning ourselves and feeding the ducks n swans again! Kaustubh was in his element today, crying for cake the moment we started the walk. Had to struggle to get him to a bench and then cut the cakes we had taken along. A few pieces went to the ducks as well. Had lunch in an indian restaurant nearby, and was thrilled beyond words! The food was amazing. Pure Kerala cuisine at a very reasonable price, and was infact more tasty than some stuff I have tasted in Kerala. The proprietor was very sweet too. The kids got a complementary dosa which they promptly attacked and devoured in a minute. Went to a friends place from there and spent a very nice evening with their family. They have a baby near Krithika's age and the kids loved playing with all her toys, while karthik n I loved the conversation and the onion pakodas! A lovely sunday...hoping for more sunny ones like this!

I dreamt it

2010-01-13T04:37:00.000-08:00

England is under the big freeze. I have always dreamt of sitting in a cozy room, with a cup of tea and a book, lying on the sofa and watching a heavy snowfall. Tell me, what do you really feel when your dreams are realised? Do you get lost in the feeling that this can't possibly be true, or that now my dream has been realised, shouldn't I be more happy or omigod, this moment is going to go by soon, let me try n capture it as much as possible (and then loose it in the process) or, does it become an anticlimax, that you had expected so much out of it that the reality failed to match up to your expectation? All these used to happen to me so often, that i dreaded my dreams coming true, i felt it much better to have beautiful dreams than seeing those wonderful dreams coming to dust by becoming reality.
Well, I had a wonderful opportunity to attend a four day course in the Sri Sri Ravishankar's ashram in bangalore and had the good fortune to meet him face to face. What a truly divine experience that was. On the second day of the course, our teacher asked a very relevant question. How long can you keep watching that amazinginly beautiful scenery? An hour or two? How long can you keep watching that snowfall you love? A few minutes? Ah..it was such a relief to see hear these words. Good to hear that this is a universal truth, and that, when you get something that you feel is wonderful and have been longing to have, experience, it is but natural for you to feel a surge of pleasure initially, but you just cannot hug and preserve that feeling forever. You might look back and remember the instantaneous joy that you experienced, but thats all it was. Instantaneous. And after that, you are back to being the person you were, in the same life that you have, with the same people, circumstances you were in!
But if you see yourself as happiness, and you are in joy throughout, then those dreams that you had, when it becomes a reality, just enhances your joy. You learn to accept everything beautiful and relish in your dreams because you know that your essential nature is of joy. All that fear of the dream not living up to your expectation and doubts of whether you are really enjoying yourself of not, is gone. You are enjoying yourself every minute of your day. Your dreams being true jut adds a drop to an already overfilled cup of joy.
Am I making any sense? Have I answered the question I had raised? No? Then please forgive me,I have not yet probably reached the state of zen!!!!, but at where I am now, I am living my dream, and I am truly happy with it!!!!!

Happy birthday, dear

2010-01-12T03:54:00.000-08:00

Krithika...who calls herself thithika, who cries 'Ammeeenaaa in the morning, noon and night for me' who when feeling an excess of love grinds her teeth, pulls my eyebrows and yells, 'Achodaaaa'! Who imitates whatever her god like anna's (elder brothers) do and still find it in her to pull their hair and scratch them when irritated, who is the apple of her dad's eye, who looks her best in any dress or without! who does something naughty and then refuses to look into your eye for a while, who broke my cup yesterday and ran out of the kitchen and sat down meekly by my feet, who removes all her dresses in the blink of an eye and wanders around in her birthday suit, who falls asleep in a second when put in her car seat, who says hi and bye to everyone on the road, who cries only when hit by her brothers and sleepy, who is 2 years old, but still wakes up in the middle of the night to have her milk, who just needs her brothers around to be happy and constantly playing, who speaks almost as much as them, who sings and dances so adorably, who has brought the maximum smiles on our faces the past two years, who has given us the best years of our life,
darling Krithika, May you spread this happiness and joy all your long life through, may you be happy and contended all your life through, may your parents and brothers have the good fortune to see you grow as beautiful as you are now, and may god bless this wonderful creation of his.

A week on..

2010-01-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

and I am a lil bit tired of the beautiful Apartment we are in and long to move into the house we have rented!! It is beautiful alright, but, it somehow lacks the warmth of the English cottage I have been wanting to live in! Anyway, our furniture is due to arrive day after, and after that begins the huge task of setting up the house, a task I have always enjoyed. Every year after our marraige we have moved houses, and this time, it is a country as well, so, you could call us a sort of moving experts by now! We went to the other place, lets call it FC for now, to arrange all the grociries we had got from India, which was quite a lot, considering that five of us had 30Kg allowance each, most of which were filled with rava, semiya, rice and so on!!!! We have a rented car for the month, Ford Mondeo, and had an inital fight fitting in three car seats at the back. After some shop hopping, we finally settled for two slim car seats (more like booster seats) for Kachi n Kautu and a good car seat for baby! See, what all advantages are there in being the youngest!
I was a bit down the first two days, the climate is freezing and once hubby dear has gone to office, the kids and I are pretty much stuck at home. Now that a few days are gone by and I have managed to see quite a lot of cambridge and taken the kids to a beautiful park by the cam river, and have shopped half the hubby's salary out, I am back in spirits! But truly, nothing like nature and shopping to uplift you, is there?
Kids have adapted really really well. They love the river and go for long walks feeding the ducks and swans. They keep running all the time, so I guess the cold is not an issue at all. I am the only one still wandering around with a frozen face and hands. But over all, its a sea change from my mother land, and I have done fine so far. My brother and his wife are with us, so, probably that helped a lot, but all said and done, I do miss India a lot. I miss its temples, its people, my loved ones and the chatter. I miss the gang in Bangalore and I miss our weekely poker nights. I miss the restaurants and I miss the climate. I miss our unplanned weekend trips and I miss the A2Bs on route to Chennai. I miss...........
Well, I might get over this in a few days, for, the wanderlust in us will kick in and relieve any boredom, but till then, it is a pleasure to blog and crib about how much I miss India.
And it is a pain to think that you can't see the parents when you just feel like it! Other than these minor things (!!) I am enjoying this place quite a lot. Especially the amazing clothes and accessories, and the beautiful English countryside, and the lovely quaint cottages. It is as picturesque as it can get and especially when it snowed yesterday, ahhhh...I melted right out there in the car. Those lovely snowflakes on that beautiful road and river, stirred me as nothing much else has in the recent past. Wish I had a few pictures to share with you, let me take a look...

At Jesus Greens, the part with the river Cam for a boundary

Feels much like Venice, doesn't it? This is just a walk from Jesus Greens and the wooden pathway we are on is right above the river and really really slippery. Kachi fell down three times and I was almost on my butt too!

we are off!!!!!!!!!

2009-12-28T02:26:00.000-08:00

We reached Cambridge late yesterday night...still feeling like a Queen with the chauffer driven BMW that came to pick us up at the airport and the wonderful apartment we are in, courtesy of the company. It has a wide balcony with a beautiful view of the cambridge river and furnished very asthetically. Kachi and Kautu were so thrilled with their experience, that they slept together leaving karthik, me and baby the other bigger room. We are still exhausting the welcome pack that we still haven't wandered outside. When our shipment arrives, we will be moving into the house we have taken for rent, so, it is a case of enjoy the good thing while it lasts..I am too tired to even think about opening the door and looking outside, so, sleep, sleep and eat is going to be the manthra for the day!

On route in Dubai
Kids had a blast exploring the airport. Took us more than an hour to reach the departure terminal from the arrival one. I dragged my feet near the duty free shops and the kids dragged theirs all along.

On the flight. Emirates had a wonderful collection of movies, and the guys ended up watching ants and cars throughout. They slept for most of the journey and watched the movies for the rest, so, things were fine for us.

More pics n updates coming on...

The best gift i could give them..

2009-11-21T22:43:00.000-08:00

is themselves! What a company and what a sheer delight it is to see them play among themselves. I have often just sat there beside them, watching them play games of make believe, assuming characters and enacting their favorite stories, with a never ending chatter and watching baby's innocent face reflect the moods of her brothers and wondered at the beauty of watching her pick up roles as though she was a year older and silently join her brothers in all their games......and sent a silent prayer of thank you to whoever it is that made me blessed enough to watch the three play and felt that this is the biggest gift i could ever give them...company for life.

They have never needed any one else to play with. They make friends easily, but don't really need them as yet, they are always supporting each other the moment one of them is hurt by an outsider, they make houses and sleep inside it and name them 'kachi,kautu and baby house', they scold me when i reprimand another - baby even cries if one of her brothers are hurt, they have enough numbers to play ring -a roses on their own, they eat competing with each other and even sleep all cuddled up in their house on some days. They are now an entity and baby is no longer a baby to me. She is a part of THEM. I dread the day when the boys will go to school leaving her behind, for she's never been without them for a long period of time. Whatever the future holds, let it at least hold that these three remain together and with the rapport that makes them play for hours on end without a single call for help. This is the silent prayer that i send up everyday and the silent gift that was given to me over the last 3 years.

Amma...your food is yummy!

2009-11-19T03:16:00.000-08:00

They say this for a few of their favorite food...Well, like almost everyother kid, they gobble up what they like and hmmm..hawww over the others! So, i try my level best to cook up something their varied taste buds will like. Its better now, since all of them kindof like similar stuff, but a year back, kachi, kautu and baby had their own tastes that were mutually exclusive!! A mothers nightmare!
Here are some stuff they love as of today

1. Pasta with white sauce (I sometimes grate carrots or potatoes, or add finely sliced tomatoes, or at times, put in a vegetable mix to make the white sauce healthier)
2. Birpulao - kachi was asking for this again yesterday! This is a mixture of biryani and pulao...ie, Biriyani without the spices and pulao with briyani base!)
3. Microwaved french fries - which are in reality just potato pieces finely cut and microwaved with butter!
4. chapathi and subzi- as long as the subzi has a tomato base and is non spicy
5. Potato bhajji - deep fried potato with besan coating. They love this, and consume almost half a bottle of tomato sauce.
6. Muesli - yeah..from when did kids start liking my non sugar fat free muesli?? Well, they seem to love it and would have it any time of the day!
7. Brown rice - finely cooked, they like eating it plain, with just ghee and salt. No side dishes allowed.

And i get a praise for any of these, even if it is the muesli that I told them the shop uncle makes! If they don't like something, its just a gentle shake of the head. So, i'll just bask in their praises till they grow up enough to tell me ...mummy, this food s**ks!!

Winds of change

2009-11-08T20:01:00.000-08:00

have swept through my land...we had planned a relocation to UK for a while and now its all falling in place!! Karthik has already left and joined work in Cambridge and we hope to get the visa for me and the kids by december mid...Five years and growing up three kids in Bangalore later, we wound up our house and bid goodbye to friends and the city last thursday. In the two weeks after we got his visa, we visited all the favorite hangout places in Bangalore, (they turned out to be mostly hotels!!) brindavan, woodys, krishna cafe, little italy, ramanas and then chilled out in RMZ infinity where we must have spent atleast half our parent life chasing the kids around the fountain and watching them dive and jump from the small inclines, given them dripping icecreams from MacDs and delved into our subs. We hosted all our friends one saturday with almost 10 hours of rigorous Poker (Ah..I was winning till the dinner break, and wosh....lost all my money after that!). We went for dinner to a friends place almost every day and treated others on the rest. We went shopping in the morning, afternoon and night and bought a lot of stuff which made us feel like the newly weds. Wardrobes, cloths, utensils, vaccum cleaner, mixie, grinder..and so on...we are discarding most of our old stuff here and getting new ones...for a new beginning, not that we will not miss the old one, just that a change is always refreshing! Kids are missing their dad and wake up in the middle of the night crying. He came on skype yesterday and had to see Kautu weeping his heart out for him. Krithika and Kachu were fine, they chatted with their dad and kept asking him when he will be applying visa for them!! Now begins our next target, find a good house next to a good school, close to grocery and office and within our budget!! Hah..quite a lot of conditions, huh? Anyway, one thing I am sure of, the house should be isolated enough to give us and the kids the freedom to yell our hearts out!!

Now, thats the update for now, quite a big one, isn't it?

Celebrating the 3s

2009-09-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

I missed writing a post on their third birthday and was waiting for this milestone to give an update...Kautu and Kachi are 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks and 3 days old. The only thing they have common between them is this, their age. Kautu is forever upto mischief, his latest today was mixing turmeric and mustard, mustard and urad dal and spilling a lot of the turmeric around. Other activities include tearing the page of the calender and stuffing it in the sink, brushing his teeth five times today just because he loves the strawberry flavor, throwing a stick, measuring cup and spoon into the grinder while the batter was being prepared and finally, opening the shower on Karthik when he took baby to the bathroom!! Thats a small sample of what all he can be up to in a day. On the other hand, he is the entertainer of the family, with his antics on his pushing car ( I don't what its actually called, its this thing which you sit and push with your legs), he comes real fast and then turns the thing around on one leg ... I nearly fell off my chair the first time I saw it! He dances a weird dance every time we ask him to, but almost never when he listens to music, but hums along with every song. And...when he cries, he really really cries, like in cries his and my head off...the loud wailing goes on for hours and what it originally started for, is forgotten by the end of it! Everything he talks becomes a cry and god help and forgive me, my itching hands do get an outlet once the patience has worn thin. Well, I am able to write with such feeling cause he's at it again ... in the background and I am venting it all out here!
About Kachu... he's such a darling,..... when he wants to. But an equall 'noi noi' case..yeah thats what we call him, cause once denied something, he'll go on cribbing about it, till, like his brother, he makes you want to stuff cotton in your ears and dream of retiring to the Himalayas. But, he's the one who takes care of his sister, calls her pet names (Kutta) and even puts her to sleep. He is deeply ashamed if he drops something, or does anything that we would not be pleased with (unlike his brother, who gives a damn) and I have to put aside my rage and quitely tell him, its ok, nothings happened, else, I'll have a crying boy in my hand for the next half a day! He says the cutest thing, in the best possible grammer and when everyone else are asleep, he'll just hang around with me, sitting by my side when I read, looking on when I cook and giving his opinions in that quiet way of his that I feel at those times, that I've made a friend for life!!! At the same time, once his brother and sis are awake, he does refuse to share his things, like the way Kautu does too, and Krithika is forever trying to get things away from her brothers that, all the good things vanish and I am left with the urge to bury myself and plead I don't know these kids!!!!!
Anyway, this is the terrible 3s post...and I know it does sound terrible....but my fingers are crossed, maybe, it might get better by the 4s!

This is why I love my blog

2009-07-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

though I am quite irregular in writing and even more in checking out my favorite blogs. I just happened to read a post of mine written a few years ago, and there....I find a lot of my questions answered, a lot of doubts cleared and memory refreshed. I have just forgotten how Kachi n Kautu were when they were less than a year old. Yes. If not for my blog, I would not have even recollected a single character trait of theirs. Do all mothers forget their kids early stages, or is it because I had Krithika when these guys were just coming out of theirs and so, hers and their childhood have all merged into one? Don't know.

They seem to be frozen at 3 for me, but equally, krithika seems frozen at 1.5! Now I can't seem to remember her little traits, brought back to me when I found a long lost video (in fact the only one we have of her the first year!). She had a peculiar habit of hitting her mouth with her hand periodically, and it looked just damn cute. Will it all come back to me when I am 80 and dying, like in your life flashing by you moments before the final call? Then the wait is well worth it, such beautiful memories for me to recollect. Or, will it happen when they get married and go away, or when I see their kids? Maybe I should ask my parents, but I wonder if they have ever thought about it. Their generation, without generalising, have generally been concerned with making ends meet and providing sustenance rather than think deeply about stuff that we seem to have ample time to think about! Anyway, I have tried to follow "Think deeply, yet live lightly" principle and what better way to have an outlet than this blog!!!

cheers!!

So I ran to Chennai

2009-06-17T21:55:00.000-07:00

to see my cousins, born to my mom's brother after 17 years of marriage and innumerable difficulties! Its not my story to tell, but its a difficult one with a twin happy ending! A boy and A girl. And I was in an elevated state for most of the afternoon after hearing the news. When I heard that my bro and his fiancé were driving to chennai, I just had to hitch a ride. So, Krithika and I left the boys here in bangalore and went to chennai. After an eventful ride, wherein we went half way up to salem and then took the rustic village road to join the highway 3 hours after we left it, we reached Chennai late saturday night. I went the next day to see the kids, spent a lot of time giving unwanted advise on bringing up twins and came back the next day by bus. Travelling with Kishu is a lot better than travelling alone! She provided ample entertainment for most of the co-travellers. First it was pulling the little hair left on bald head of the person in front. Then it was playing hide and seek with someone right at the back of the bus and then hiding away shyly when the guy next to me so much as smiled at her! The rest of the time, she slept peacefully, giving me my much wanted rest.
Now, what were the guys upto in my absence? Having a ball of a time here! The three of them were out the entire day...first they went to our old house, met up with all the neighbours, then went to their dad's friend's house for lunch and then spent four hours hanging at RMZ mall by the fountain. Leaving you with a few pics of the boys day out...maybe I should go away more often!!

Must do before you die

2009-06-08T04:10:00.000-07:00

is a dharma darshanam at Thirupathi on a festival day. And we did that, last sunday! We were assured a ticket for a puja by an agent, who, after we reached Thirupathi said he couldn't manage one. Well, Karthik and I left my parents and kids in the room and went searching for some seva tickets. The thing there is, either you need a VIP pass for which you need to bribe a VIP or, all the members need to get their fingerprints done to get the tickets! So, we rushed back (by now it was 9.30 in the night) and got everyone to the booth to find that the tickets have all been sold. We took a call then and there and decided that Karthik and I would go for the Dharma Darshanam (free darshanam) and took all the money that various people had entrusted us to put into the Hundi. The Q had no beginning in sight. We walked for almost a half hour and then someone thrust us inside the Q. The time was 10.30 PM. We walked and stood alternatively for another 2 hours. Then we were all hearded into a cell and locked up! Really! There were some 400 odd people in the cell which was shaped loosely like an amphitheatre. Luckily we had taken a bed sheet which we spread and used the money bags as pillows and slept. Till 3.30 AM. Which was when an old lady with rings all over her ears and nose decided that she wanted to lie down in the minute space between the wall and my leg and started pushing my legs about. I got up in a dash, and with neither of us understanding each other, we managed to work out a solution. I huddled away to sleep another few hours and was woken up by a huge cry and rush in the cell. Breakfast had arrived! Karthik managed to snatch a plate of Upma while I decided to fast till darshan. Another two hours of sleep passed by. By 11.00 AM on sunday, we were wide awake and wondering when they were going to open the gates when someone opened up the entry gate and two people came inside. Looks like they managed to bribe a gaurd and get inside. We might be let out soon! Both of us rushed to the exit gate, reserving our positions and getting ready for the run. In a while, someone came rattling the keys and started opening one cell after the other! And we dashed. Hand in hand through all the people for 10 mintutes. By when my knee was beginning to ache a little bit. We finally reached a point where all the seva ticket holders merge and from then on, all we need to do was stand. The crowd just carries you forward. Almost 14 hours after the start of our wait, we got an amazing darshanam, made much more sweeter by the ardent wait and longing.
Govinda.....Goooovinda!!!!

Just here just now

2009-05-20T05:24:00.000-07:00

With their LEGO set scattered between them, all three of my kids are sitting in the balcony. As I sit typing away before them, the thought that pervades all through me is that, there is nothing I would be doing other than exactly this at this point in time. It is such a pole apart from where I was a year back. The rush home every two hours to feed Krithika, the minutes I grab to just be with the kids, seeing them play in between the cooking and feeding and the constant rush of thoughts about work. It would be a rare day that I would get to sit like this and just relax with no thought other than what I am typing away. This is not to say that I don't want to get back to work! I do. But if I do, it will have to be either part time, during the morning when the boys will be in school and when I can permit myself to leave baby in a day care, or, a flexiblilty of work from home when I can be at home during the afternoons. It is just not possible otherwise! After having had the luxury of being with them throught the day, leaving them to someone who will not enjoy them, and sees them with the same eyes they see other kids is just not possible!!! I can't describe the pure joy I feel when I lie down with them for their afternoon nap. Both Kachi and Kautu have to hug me to sleep and I lie straight down, like a log so that they both can take their share! Today was special, coz baby too wanted to sleep with her bros. I usually put her to sleep either before or after they have slept. Today, Kachi wanted her to sleep with him, so I put her in between me and him. To my surprise, he started singing the lullaby I usually sing for her, and slowly, her eyes drooped and she slept! He got up to see if she has slept and then turned around and went to sleep! Wish I had a cam to capture these moments! I was touching all three of them till I too dropped of to sleep and what more do you need to make your day?
Well, Krithika has just gone to put her hands on to the mud (she is fond of eating it, and such other dirty things!), so let me bid you good bye!

Summer camp before school!!

2009-05-11T05:00:00.000-07:00

The boys are almost 3 and we thought we would enroll them in a summer camp to pass the time till they join school. The school we finalised is a very small one, a montessori run by a lady who reminded me so much of my mom, the same dedication and energy that the moment I talked to her, I decided to put the kids there.

The 'white vandi' (a white omni) comes daily at 9.20 and they are off..just like that! The first day, I was wandering around the house, wondering at the silence and the time, I didn't know what to do with! I was counting the minutes till 1.30 when they would be home. Baby and I would wait down and greet them. There's something very brave in you when you first entrust your kids to an absolute stranger and pray that they take them to their destination safely. It was that first letting go that was difficult, days after that were easy. I think I just got a preview of what it would be like when they leave home for college and more so when they get married! I wouldn't want to be like the clinging parent, trying to force myself on my kids life!

We then came to the next milestone, their talent show! They were to dress up as animals and I lacked the energy to make up something, so we drove half the way across the city to rent them a costume. Kachi was pig and Kautu lion. The D day arrived and they went happily to their teachers when we dropped them at the venue, which was a restaurant inside Country Club, ORR. We returned half an hour later to find them decked up really sweet, with lip stick and roughe and whiskers. True to ourselves, we misplaced our camera, so had to borrow another parents and take snaps of our kids on stage, doing absolutely nothing! I was waiting for the parent to send us the snaps before writing this post, but, as that hasn't happened as yet, couldn't wait any longer! Well, to give them credit, they didn't cry and run to us, nor did they remain absoulte statues, they did jump, and roar and kachi the pig, shouted Oink..Oink. And we were so excited! The principal even called all the mothers on stage and made the kids give us a mothers day card, with their pictures taken in school on it. She did go through a lot of effort for the summer camp, and her whole family were backstage helping her with it, which made me think of my mom so much!

Theres another two weeks left for the camp, I certainly am going to miss it once its over!!!

Feeling good

2009-05-08T05:25:00.000-07:00

Feeling really good after changing the look of the blog. Wanted to do it ages back, but was always either too busy or absolutlely jobless, but without a comp! Got a new laptop after ages of nagging and wow...feels like I gained an extra limb!

Now for a few updates...
Kachi and Kautu have been going to a summer camp. Now I know the difference between sending your kids to school when they are two years old and when they are three. They cried and cried and looked so lost the last time round and finally we pulled them out of school after a month cause they fell sick so often, and now, they wave a biiig bye and get into their school van and speed of to school. They come back at 1, all ready to eat a marraige meal and fall asleep almost instantaneously, which is all making me feel superflous. Baby is missing her brothers a lot and keeps asking for them! The kid who doesn't give me a trouble when everyone is at home, is forever on my lap once the brothers have gone to school!!! Huh...shall I send her off to a day care and get back to work??? Though she is the greatest fun to be with, I have a feeling she's going to enjoy herself where there are a lot of other kids to keep her entertained!! What say? Maybe its all just wishful thinking, when it finally comes to taking the final step to put them in day care, I will cry off. But then, the restlessness has started to come back...I am missing my job and all the challenges that come with it. What about part time, lets say from 9-1?? If anyone offers that on a platter, I will eat it up...but till then, let me keep dreaming! But like what Karthik keeps telling me, the first three years of the kids life is never going to come back, so sit back and enjoy, but again, like how I keep telling, I am doing just that, but at a few times like these, they just seem not enough!

We have been doing a few trips lately..been to Yercaud last month, and to the mysore zoo last election day..had a blast at the zoo, the kids still ask me tell zoo stories every time I put them to sleep!!
Leaving you with a few snaps...

We just managed to keep them off the water..surprisingly, Kachi n kautu were extremely well behaved, Krithika wanted to try her hand swimming...

In chennai, Kachi is being the obliging elder bro, taking baby for a ride..

Caught snapping in BITS

2009-05-08T04:07:00.001-07:00

Utop Pahadi .. the Hanuman temple...the real reason for us being back in BITS. I wanted to be back here after I married, and finally made it after three kids!

Need I say anything?? I have always felt the clock tower lawns to be the most beautiful place in the campus...

Sky...been there with loads of dear people and now back with the dearest of all!!

This one is for you guys...

2009-05-05T04:41:00.000-07:00

all of you who share a multitude of BITS memories with me n karthik!!!
..some tit bits...
...dearest wingies ....did you know that our rooms in MAL (oh yes..it has again been converted into a boys hostel due to the sheer decrease in the number of girls since BITSAT was introduced!!!) are now being habitated by the chowkies!!! Well..Karthik took snaps outside his old rooms and I went to take mine...and the chowkie says.."bhai photo ley lo...ab ye mera room hai"!!!

and something to cheer for the guys..seems the percentage of girls (it was 40% in my time) is now 18 % which is still ahead of the IITS...(is it 7-8% ?). The question being asked around by the faculty is ..why is it that girls tend to do poorly when there is an entrance test involved, but crack their boards?? Any answers?

For all of us who grew up there listening to ample amounts of Tamil and Telugu, the complete Hindi culture might baffle. For a while Karthik n I just stood around trying to forge our image of a BITSIAN to those we saw around us and failed. But, we soon got used to that, and learnt that there are still a sizable number of kids from AP, but a meagre few from TN. Why??? No one from the TN board this time, the handful of guys from Chennai were CBSE. Is it that the kids are just fed up of preparing for umpteen entrance exams? IIT, TNPCEE, BITSAT and what not? Maybe they prefer the good enough colleges closer to home than travel all the way up to Rajasthan? Hey..you guys are really missing something. (There were only some 3000 applications from TN compared to 40,000 from AP!)

The new Students Activity Centre is worth drooling over. If you could see our old SUB (Students Union Block) now, it feels like a pebble in the vast desert that is the SAC. The night I visited the SAC, there was a ROBO football going in the ..hold your breath....the amphitheatre!! If dreams could come true, this is what would result. I just couldn't locate my dearest place, BSL (Bits Students Library) anywhere..so, if any of you have any info..let me know..I hope it is not one of those things that got blown away in the winds of change.

.. Shall get back to you when I remember something else!! take care till then!

Back to those days....

2009-03-24T21:37:00.000-07:00

Ah...what a fantastic journey it was. A journey made memorable by the sheer memories it evoked and by the place we went to! Karthik and I took a long pending trip back to our college, BITS, Pilani and came back, refreshed, and younger by a few years!! We relived all the places we'd been togethter, that held memories for him, his hostel rooms, right from the first to the last year, the radi wallas, ratan ji, munna and so on, on whose endless sam chats and shikanji he and his wingies lived, who actually remebered his room number after all the 10 years that has passed in between, to all the places that held a lot of memory for me...the mime club, I had been the coordinator of which in my psenti year, met all the kids, took them for a sky treat and saw their run through (the mime and dance club performances are held during the cultural night, Mithali for Apogee, the academic fest), Institute Canteen, visited c'not place, had Chimpu's M & B and sharma's Gulab Jamun ...ah.... it was a true dream come true for us. We walked for the entire two days that we were there...woke up in the morning, took in the crisp fresh air and then set out with a bag and caps to explore our much beloved huuuugggeee campus. Its become even more sprawling now, with the latest lecture theatre complex and the beautifully done central library. The very first night, we reached Pilani at 11.30 P.M and all the journey blues, the ride in the haryana roadways bus with the conductor smoking his beedi into my face and the hour long wait in Bhiwani to catch the connecting bus to Pilani, just slipped away from us. We were the kids we were 10 years ago...washed our face and walked hand in hand through the rain to the night canteen (ANC). Just sat and observed the new kids on the block...and all illusions and delusions fell away. Hah..do I still crave to be the person I was in college, free, easy going, no responsibilities and having oodles of fun? Not anymore. In more ways than one, the trip back to BITS helped me clear a few cobwebs and remove a few ghosts. I cherished the saraswathi temple, a particular tree beside a particular hostel, certain spots in the insti, the canteen, some rooms and so on..held them sacred and always wistully thought of them and had a longing to always rewind the clock, but this visit helped me to see that I am extremely happy to be the person I am now, so very different from the girl who roamed this beautiful campus 10 years ago, yet, it is that very same person I was who enabled me to take in all the challenges these years have thrown in and grow from it, earning the self respect and the love and respect of my husband. Every dear place I visited, I talked to the girl I was, saw her in my mind, that ever smiling face, saw my friends and dear ones and wow.........it was an experiance like no other. I laid so many ghosts to rest this one trip that now I feel I can just move on with like without looking back, it is like wiping the slate clean so that I can create many many more treasurable memories together with my family.
I have deviated from the travelogue, but hell, I wouldn't want to bore you with it all...many are extremely personal, like the visit to the mime club practice, sky treat, talks with the raddi wallas, the pahadi trip, visit to Guru and Gsu's house and finally the extremely tiring Jaipur trip........
By the end of it, we were thirsting for our kids and quenched ourselves back in Chennai!!!!!

Celebrating the ones!

2009-02-17T20:04:00.000-08:00

I just happened to change my lillipie tickers (a much pending event) to notice that Kishu is exactly 1 year, 1 month, 1 week and 1 day old!!! So, here's an ode to my dear daughter...

One year of laughter
One year of joy
One year of pure love,
which made our spirits buoy!

One year, and still a baby
One year we've seen you grow
One year not too less
to say amma, appa and bowbow!

One year I've struggled with work
One year you've never let me go
One year was worth it all
Just to cuddle you through high and low.

One year Kachi and Kautu learnt to give
One year I saw them molly coodle you
One year they were such sweet big brothers
that I longed to be in your shoe!

For that one year, we thank you
for, you showed us what 'a bundle of joy' is
Showered us with your kisses, enriched us with your smiles
Made us feel blessed, you are god's special kiss!

...Amma...

Krithika

2009-02-13T21:41:00.000-08:00

kishku moshuki.... (how I call her)
kishu... (Karthik's name for her)
papaneni shoni shoni (this is a name that Kachi has put for her)
beba (this is kautu's pet name for her)
has started walking!! One year and a month old, my darling has started walking full time!! Forgotten all about crawling and is now racing with her brothers!! If you ask me how it feels to have three kids under three and all walking and about.....there are just no words to describe it. So beautiful and so filling, that there is hardly a time except when all three are sleeping that you can walk about the house without tripping on one! Kishu is almost always wandering off on her own now a days, exploring to her hearts content the places she couldn't reach when she was crawling. Her interest for squatting by the kitchen and playing with the cooker and other vessels is over, she is now determined not to be in one place for longer than five minutes. And she is stubborn, fights with her brothers to get her way out and surprisingly, almost always wins!!!! She manages to grab things out of their hands and pull them out of my lap and place herself securely on me! Extremely jealous, I am just lucky that her brothers are secure enough to let her be pampered and not feel a thing besides that she is the baby of the house! Oh yes, their love does become violent and does get an occasional beating or pushing, but its been to the frequency of maybe around once a day, so I guess it should be fine for now. Well, all of them are in their bath right now, and thats how I am getting to share all this with you, before the brigade is back, let me bid adeu...good day to you all.

Not so brainy anymore?

2009-01-13T04:46:00.000-08:00

What is with the moms who have quit their jobs to be with their kids? Do they really feel the need to proclaim to the world that they were intelligent before, and have lost all their brains by taking the very intelligent decision of being at home with the kids? For reference, do see the comment by an anon for the previous post. I know that it is considered beneath anybody to actually reply to an anon comment, but this one set me thinking a lot. All the complexes of that writer has been displayed in that such short a comment. The fact that she now feels inferior to women who are actually continuing in the embedded software industry and the fact that she has made a big deal of her choice of staying at home, a decision that has to be applauded, but in no way should be considered a sacrifice. I would certainly not make any decisions that can be called a sacrifice just so that I can hang it one day over my children's head ...quite literally" I have done so much for you...given up my challenging career " and so on. It is absolutely my decision taken because I loved being at home with my darlings any day that being in that stuffy office with poor ventillation and a computer to interact with. As to considering myself intelligent, I do. If the fact that I have been able to aquire a degree from a prestigious institute, have been able to bag projects that have been challenging in the extreme, and those that were vied by collegues much senior and have managed an amazing performance review constantly all the years of my service, does not indicate that ofcourse I am brainy, dammit, then what else?!!! Oh yes, this is just the academic quotient, I might be lacking in a lot of other spheres, but that is not a topic I would like to bring out in this forum! But to get back, dear anon, you don't have to feel that taking this step of being at home is a big thing, as it is something you have obviously taken with a of thought and so, it is something that you wanted to do with all your heart, and so, it is nothing to be made a big fuss about!! And yes, being at home in no way makes you less intelligent, rather it expands all your intelligences to a large extent. I hope you are happy in the choices you made, and I hope there are others out there who feel the same with me!

At home, in bangalore, out of work and enjoying it

2008-12-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

just about sums up my existence right now! Oh... and minus a computer and plus the net connection, so that the occasional visits of my brother with his laptop enables me to give a mild update on whats been happening here!!! Yes, I finally resigned, resigned from office and to the fact that three kids prone to wheezing and asthma equals the mom being at home for them!! Cost cutting includes just having a maid who blitzkriegs in the morning for mopping up the house, and all the rest of the household jobs resting squarely on my rather wide shoulders! Being at home is just so much work that I am astounded how I ever managed to sneak in office work. I mean, now when I am not washing the vessels, I am cooking, else I a putting the still breastfeeding krithika to sleep or I am cleaning the ever messy house, so, how in the world did I have enough space in my head to carry on building code and designing all those complex designs?? Is it the case of 'man adapting, rather expanding himself to situations' which means that I have essentially shrunk mentally? I am not sure, may be by the time my brother drops in here again, I might have an answer!

Going home again...

2008-10-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

As in keeping with my history of ever changing decisions, we are moving back to bangalore again...after a stormy two months in Chennai. It feels great to imagine being back in one's own home, the nest you created for yourself, where your authority will not be questioned and where you need listen to no one but yourself. Along with it is also the image of toil, of waking up early and getting all the meals on the table before 9, of giving innumerable baths one after another to the three kids, of countless visits to the bathroom taking one or both of the twins for their natures calls, of trying to catch a wink of sleep in the afternoon to be rudely woken up by Krithika who rarely sleeps for more than an hour, of cleaning the house again and again so that Karthik can come back to a pleasing house, of endless sessions of feeding, giving bath and putting to sleep and last but not the least, fights that I will now have to again sort out on my own. Is it just two months that I have been here? Feels like ages since I was sole incharge of the kids. Then again, there are the images of cozy afternoons shared by Karthik, krithika and me, when the vanarams are asleep, of the movies we used to catch up before they woke up, of the playing and mucking around we did once karthik came back from office, of the almost every day trips we used to make so that the kids get to stretch their legs outside and of the sheer joy in being in your house with just you and your immediate family. Nothing rivals that, I know!
Going home again....less in words, more in memories and happiness.

Why do I never seem to get settled?

2008-09-27T05:13:00.000-07:00

Why is it that almost everyone I know have a stable job, are settled in a place for good and build a life for themselves in the place they work? I would have loved to do the very same, except for a series of serious, emotionally draining and bewildering experiences, I would not have changed a thread on the life I had. A beautiful house, in a very green location and a rewarding job. It is strange that every time I have felt that I am settled, all is exactly what I have wanted it to be, things have gone horribly wrong.
Kaustubh and Kashyap started going to school from May, and started falling sick every other week from May. With kachi, things were still fine, as he recovered quickly, but kautu, the intensity of his allergic attacks began to grow in such proportion that very soon, a running nose would have us biting our nails in tension, for it was now almost a certainity that a running nose entailed a wheesing attack and a viral and a secondary bacterial infection. Things finally got out of hand the last month and he was admitted with Pneumonia. Krithika was admitted in the next bed with a bronchal infection she picked up from Kautu and Kachi was sleeping on the attender's cot. At one point, kautu even stopped responding to our calls and thats when they shifted him to the ICU. The only comment by the doctors was that, the entire peadiatric ward was full of patients with bronchal infection, and the cause for this is just the pathetic Bangalore climate. And thats when I decided I will not show kautu this city till he is at least 5 years old. The day he recovers enough to travel I am going to Chennai to stay with my parents till karthik can find a job there.
One week later, we reached Chennai and he's been fine since. Its been a month here and I have found a house close by to my parents place. We are shifting next month. Karthik has not searched another job here, but is planning to work a few days from Chennai and a few from Bangalore. I don't know if this is going to work, but please pray that it does. For, if the kid is healthy, theres nothing we cannot achieve, if he is not, we are stunted physically, emotionally and professionally. Theres just so much to do, a big relocation, setting up the new house and what not, jobs compromised in the process, and god alone knows if it is all worth it.

Krithika at 5 months...

2008-06-13T21:39:00.000-07:00

is the absolute darling I have always longed for! She turned over a month back and now the moment you place her on the bed, she's done a 180 degree and busily kicking her legs. I put her in the crip beside me when I work and till she is hungry, she keeps up a non stop flow of conversation...mostly 'goo ingu' from her part and a lot of chatter from mine.
She loves having her brothers near her, infact, she refuses to drink if either of them or their dad is close by. She keeps turning her head to look at them, and forgets that she was consuming her meal! Why, if I look down on her when she is drinking, her mouth curls into a charming smile and all thoughts of milk vanishes! So, at times, I resort to covering her up with my dupatta even at home and missing the sight of her chubby face busily absorbed in doing what it knows best!
She cries when hungry, wet or sleepy (and ofcourse, when she has had her hands/legs pulled by her brothers). Period. Rest of the time, she is happy looking around and clutching at whatever is in her tiny hands reach. Lately, she has started cribbing when someone new picks her up. aha...my sweet tempered baby is growing up all too soon.
But truly, compared to the ruckus the twins are creating now (Terrible twos ... this word found its way into our dictionary a few weeks back and refuses to budge out of it), she is heaven. Infact, both Karthik and I endorse that fact that when your first child is in his terrible twos, it is better to have an infant at home, firstly because the infant reminds you that the monster you are seeing was not always like this, and secondly, the tiny innocence relieves you of all the headache, backache and handache that you are suffering from! (more on the twin disasters coming up in the next post, but, really, I have wanted to run out of this house many a times over the last one week!).
In short, our sunshine, our oasis, our baby Krithika (thats how the brothers call her), has filled our life with so much joy, we now understand the meaning of 'bundle of joy' (with the twins, it was always worry, worry that they have to put on weight, worry that they will fall sick and so on). Cuddling up to her at anytime in the day wipes clean all the dust that has accumulated in the mind and rubs a soothing balm over all the hurt. Her smile finds a mirror in mine and karthiks and we now find ourselves laughing and smiling almost the entire day (it is with her help that we even manage to keep our marbles intact inspite of the wild run her brothers give us). We love the twins to bits, even when they are at their stubborn worst, but Krithika right now fills a special part of us, a part that responds to the innocence in her.
If you ask me, I would say, the more the kids, the more joy in the house, but well, you might just want to stop at three ...we certainly do!

The resignation story

2008-06-03T23:29:00.001-07:00

This is about a mom, with three kids, trying her best to retain a very interesting job as well as take good care of her kids. Solution after solution was tried, but nothing could please her. She wanted to be at home for them, at the same time, was loath to leave this highly interesting job. Working from home, like what she was used to seemed the best solution, only, the company that aquired her previous company has no work from home policy.
So, she put a deal with the company that for one month she be allowed to do 4 hours from home and another 4 hours from office. This worked out fine, but after one month, she still was not ready to get back to working full time from office. One, she was still breastfeeding her baby and did not want to stop that, next, her boys were also still quite young and leaving all the three with the maid did not seem a good idea. So, what was the other option? Resign.
So, the next day after the one month trial ended, she spoke to her manager about how difficult it is at home, and how she wants to quit if work from home is not possible. He then took some time, and asked her to meet the next higher up who then told her that with her good performance records, he is recommending to the HR that she be given this part time from home and part time from office work mode for an entire year.
Now, she had nothing to say, except thanks and nothing more to do than show a deeper commitment to her work!
So, thats how she is sitting here at home, typing away these lines to share her news with all of you!

Some long due snaps

2008-05-20T01:43:00.001-07:00

The guys in their birthday suit...doing what they enjoy the most...

The birthday boys, in their last year's birthday dress!!! Oh yes, they still fit into it..which just goes to show how the negligible 3 Kgs they have put on is nowhere to be seen!

Krithika a month back.....There's a smile you will always see on her!

More snaps are coming in soon...time's now heavy on my hands but light on the camera!

Happy 2 nd birthday, dears!

2008-05-19T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dearest Kachi and Kautu,
You are laughter, you are fun, infact, there is a smile on your face almost every other second. I rarely see you dull. My bundles of energy, oodles of smile......heights of frustration, everything you guys are! All 13 Kgs of love and 13 teeth of naughtiness, a few hairs of wisdom and two dimples of stubborness, you are. Mouthfull of orders, tongue full of cheek, eyes full of mischief and a smile that says..." Amma, I have just done something you don't like" ....all this and more you are. Four hands of games and two hands of fights, a back that shows teeth marks and a head that has seen walls, floors, bats, beds and what not. A little brown hair, a lot of black, two brown eyes and two black, one fair face and one dusky, two hands with fingers slender and two with chubby, one tall frame and another shorter, one good eater and the other poor, one talks one to a dozen, the other with perfect pronunciation, you guys are in no way similar.
One thing you dont differ ....... is in the way you smile when you see your dad and me, the way you come to us to solve your little fights and the way you respond to our hearts full of love.
Love you guys to bits, have a lovely lovely year ahead.
Loads of Luv,
Amma

2008-05-07T01:16:00.000-07:00

Okay, for one, certain things need to be sorted out. Issues:
1. Office says I have work for 4 hours in office and 4 hours at home. Now I am really uncomfortable working 4 hours in office after being rather used to working from home. Not that I mind being in office, its quite a lot of fun, its rather that I miss being with my kids. Well, they do join school end of May, but till then, I really really miss being with them. More that that, theres my little girl to think of. She's been an absolute gem till now, playing/sleeping for a solid 2 1/2 hours after her feed so that her mom can go to office and finish some sizable work before getting back. I am really really worried that I will miss her to madness once I decide to get back fulltime.
2. I have become so addicted to the process of staying at home and working flexi hours that this whole thing of shuttling to and fro has become very unsettling. Neither can I leave the kids feeding to anyone else, nor am I able to work the full 8 hours and still do all the things I used to do for them.
3. As any other mom, I looove the kids too much to be without them the entire day ..may be I should not have started this work from home at all. I might have not known the heaven of staying at home, of being there for every hurt, every tear and hear every laughter. Pat them to sleep in the afternoon, be there when they come searching for me, sing them songs all day through and play rough and touch and bring huuge smiles to their faces. I just should not have experienced all this. Then the pang of weaning away would not have been there. I still have time to decide...

All my posts now seem to have the same content, as this is all I am able to think all day long. Maybe when I am out of this crisis, I will have more content for you to read, till then, do bear with me!

Dedicated to the organisers of the mega baby shower...

2008-05-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

For all those ladies who spent so much time and came up with the amazing baby shower....

Hi you all and sorry for not keeping in touch.
My baby's been keeping me busy pretty much.
Congrats to you all for the amazing work done
Inspite your busy schedules and your little ones.

Lovely poems and wonderful clues
Enough to drive away the MTB's blues
I saw from Boo's what fun they had
That I couldn't take part, I am very sad.

I've joined back work but still no maid.
Its like walking in the sunlight and seeing no shade.
Hours stretch from 7am to 12 midnight
And the three wake up every 2 hours at night.

So sleep is nil and work is more
My eyes are heavy and my back is sore
But it brings a smile to my face
to see you all doing so much with grace.

I wish someone would give me a shower
Just raising three kids gives any one a shudder
I am digressing, I just wanted to say
That I am proud of you, if I may!!!

Here is the originator and what she had to say....
Hats off to you all.

Sitting with two in my lap..

2008-03-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

Kautu on the chair armrest and Kachi on my lap, as I type away, I realise that I just don't want to send them to play school so early, would in fact prefer joining work two months later so that they cross two when they join school. Would someone convince my husband that a two months loss of pay is bearable? Or is it not? I don't know. We are just mildly out of some financial crisis and thats why it is so critical that I get back. Critical and heart wrenching, cause I sent of the previous maid and now, I cannot leave them at home but have to compromise for a playschool cum daycare centre (as all the play schools are closed for summer) for the next two months. The montessori we have chosen opens in June and till then, I plan to send them in the mornings to a day care and that is sooo difficult. I am still going to work from home for Krithika, but its near impossible to do that with these two hanging around! Even as I type, one is busy standing on the chair behind me and trying to ursup my place and the other is trying to push him out of the chair. Oh...what do I do? What just do I do? This question has been eating my head for the past two weeks, it comes in my sleep and every waking moment. When I see them playing peacefully, I tell myself I can actually manage keeping them at home and working, but the next moment, they turn on each other and then I am sure that I need to send them to a place where they will be occupied and will not get bored of just playing with each other. And these feelings keep oscillating and time is running out. I need to join back by April 7 and if they have to go to school, then I need get them comfortable there at least two weeks before. We actully tried sending them to a day care. They were playing happily when we left. We bought diapers and bottle and returned in 15 min to find Kachi clutching onto the gate and bawling his heart out and Kautu sitting in the swing and crying. Aw..we just couldn't leave them after seeing that and Karthik and I bundled our precious goods into the car and came straight back home. I know kids do tend to cry when they join school, but I guess we are just not ready for it still!! Anyways, if anyone has a suggestion, please do tell me about it. I am truly in a big dilemma right now!!!

I just found the time

2008-03-16T05:04:00.000-07:00

To pop in and give a small diary entry. How is it that when your hands are full, you find yourself having more time to do the things you never had time for before? When the maid was there, I valued the rest I got, the free time I got much less than now. So, anytime I am not doing anything is like a boon, so precious that I cherish it to my hearts content. And believe me, its so wonderful not having to see the maid day in and out (though she used to leave at a prompt 6 in the evening). I just love the feeling of having the house and the kids to myself. To play with them all the time, get them involved in the household chores (well, so far, Kachi has found his niche with the broom and Kautu in the kitchen, though knowing Kautu, he is more interested in finding out just what all his mother has stored away beyond his reach) and shout the worst songs loudly to them without facing a silent censure from anyone! For this reason alone, I have wished that I had lesser number of kids, just so that I can manage them all on my own, but now that I am doing so, its really a blessing that I have my three!! For, Kachi and Kautu fight, play, laugh and sleep together and Krithika, she's as of now a no problem child, taking her feeds, playing and sleeping. She's begun enjoying the play gym we had bought for the guys. Infact, you put her in it and she forgets to cry for a nappy change and hunger!! She holds very amusing conversations with the smiley facing her in the gym and kicks the musical teddy bear with her legs! We are thoroughly enjoying this little bundle of joy and god bless her with happiness life long!
Okie, the time is up and I need to get the noodles ready before the kids and their dad return from the park, plus the sweeping and mopping the house is still pending and ofcourse, dinner has yet to be ready.....ah..all with an ailing stomach (I don't know what I ate yesterday, but things in the middle have not been good since last night!)..but I am cherishing every moment of this. For, I might need to keep a maid when I start work next month, and all this privacy would be a distant memory soon.
See you all.

Taking a break..

2008-03-11T09:29:00.001-07:00

Sent my maid off last month...and the cook. So, with the housework and kids work, Iam totally pooped!!! Till I get another maid, I am taking off from the blogworld. Sending you all my love and wishes and may you all be having a great time every minute of your day!!
Ciao and god bless,
KP

PS: Kashyap, Kaustubh and Krithika are doing fine. Only their mother is a poor overworked soul right now!

She's gonna get a name!

2008-02-05T00:42:00.001-08:00

Tomorrow is our daughter's naming ceremony. The 28th day after she was born, according to Malayali traditions. Well, we followed everything tamil for Kachi and Kautu and this time, I wanted whatever I could have to be the Kerala style..like it was done for me.
And she's going to be named 'Kritika C Karthik' where C stands for Chakiyat, my family name. There's a small story behind Kritika too..I don't know if I have mentioned this, but after coming to see the new born baby in the hospital, for another 4 days Kautu kept singing 'Kritika'. For that time, everything in the house was Kritika, all vegetables, tv and in fact, all his toys too! My mom asked him what the baby's name was, and he repeated the same...Kritika!!! After 4 days, he hasn't repeated it till yesterday. Infact, yesterday and today, he's again been singing this name, and I have a feeling he will stop after the naming ceremony!! To add to this, another four people have inadvertently asked me what are you naming her? Kritika? !!!! Imagine our surprise! We asked them if they had heard us mention it before and they all said they had thought of this name just then.
After all these coincidences, how can we not but name her 'Kritika'? Agreed it not a very uncommon name, but it does have a poetry to it, and Kritika Karthik does sound strong and independent, like what I am hoping my daughter would grow up to be.
The preparations for the function is hardly done, lots of vegetables to buy and her black bangles and Kajal. But I went out today and got her what I wanted the most. A lovely infant dress from fabindia. What I had been eyeing the past few years. So, no matter that my back was aching and that its been just 3+ weeks since the c-section, I just had to take a rickety auto to the shop, pick out a printed floral cotton frock and a printed shirt with bloomers for the baby and completely averted my eyes from the XL kurtas that lie just across the aisle!
So, please send in your blessing for my daughter (I shall formally start calling her Kriti from tomorrow) and all your good wishes!

A sighting too rare

2008-02-04T00:12:00.000-08:00

Kautu and I were standing by the window just a while back and looking out into the courtyard of the commodore (theres a lovely lawn there and an alsation which is a prime favorite with the kids) when I saw a huuugggeee black striped snake crawling in our garden! Well, the garden below our bedrooms belong to the house below(we stay on the first floor) and the one to the left of our house is ours. And there it was, crawling from our garden, under the wired fence to theirs, right below our bedroom window, stopping on the way to sun itself. By then I was frantically shouting for my mom(she had taken Kachi to the bathroom) who came running to see what the matter was. We showed the exited Kachi and Kautu the snake which was trying to climb onto the wall and get to the neighboring house! It could lift its body to almost half the wall .....and shattered my belief that snakes can do only the crawling bit!
It then decided that climbing walls is not its thing and found a tree nearby to be more friendly. It lifted itself again and wrapped itself over the lowest lying branch. From there, it was a piece of cake for the snake to climb over the tree and onto the adjacent wall. Till it disappeared from view, the stunned lot (me, mom, Kachi, Kautu and the maid) couldn't take our eyes of it. Inspite of our fears, we spent some time marveling at the sheer beauty of its movement and true to his style, instead of fearing for our safety, my husband, on being called up immediately to relate the incident, enquires why I didn't click a snap of the snake!!
I wanted to come close to nature and thats why we picked up this house. But I really don't think I fancy being this close and I shudder to think of even opening the windows to the right of the house all of which have trees touching (more than just touching, the branches almost enter the house) the window through which our acrobatic snake can easily make an entry!

Heres a snap of the lawns our bedroom overlooks. The garden I am talking about is in front the wall, not visible in the snap.

A diary entry..of doubts and fears

2008-01-30T22:20:00.000-08:00

When I hear of how children are like clay and we, the parents are the hands that mould them, it fills me up with a lot of fear and misgivings. What if I have moulded them wrong? What if the way I am raising them, as against the wishes of their grandparents (who forever want the kids to be raised the way we were, the traditional Indian way of running behind them with food, letting them watch TV to their hearts content, sleeping with them both during day and night and feeding them milk as many times as they want in the night) turns out to be wrong?
Both my husband and I have wanted the kids to be independent. We love it when they eat on their own, when they take their bottle of milk and sleep without being sung lullabies for an hour. We feel great when we take them to a restaurant and they sit with us and eat without attempting to get on the table and sweep everything to the ground. But the grandparents differ. In fact, my mother feels that the emotional bonding between me and the kids will be less because I don't sleep with them in the night! What?!! Here I am, working from home, managing to spend most of their waking hours with them, when, my parents left me with my grandparents from when I was 3 months old to go to work. So, where is the justice in her statement? On reflection, I told her that because she didn't get the mornings with us, she was making up for it by having us sleep with her and dad till we were atleast 5-6 years old. Here, my kids are pretty stable and contended and I have no issues in them sleeping alone, as, when they wake up, be it morning or night, I am there right at home for them. And about running behind the kids to feed them. I have pointed out time and again that she had only one infant/toddler at a time to handle. I have two toddlers and an infant to handle simultaneously. So, the only way I can do justice to all of them is by making them independent enough to eat on their own and not waste everyone's time by taking an hours running around to feed. We use the saved up time effectively by indulging in rhymes and games. Isn't that the way to go? Justify as much as I can, it still doesn't erase the sprinkling of doubt that...could they be right? Will my children feel less attached to me and their dad because of this? I don't think so, but......

Two weeks up and here I am

2008-01-24T09:41:00.000-08:00

....holding an infant in my arms and wondering how we are managing the boisterous twins and the infant alone!!! Yes..my mom left day before and after that its just been hubby and me. And its not been bad. True, kautu took a fall from his chair and hurt his lips and Kachi managed a small poke at the baby's eye..but other than that, its been fine, no..rocking! Baby's been giving me 3-4 hours sleep in the night and the 'vanarams' (this is how karthik and I refer the boys, means monkeys in tamil) are now sleeping on their own. No need to lie down with them and sing lullabies, we give them their bottle of milk, make them lie down on their bed, tell good night and bye and close the door. In a few minutes, the milk is done and they are asleep! This new development is the biggest relief for us. Frees up ample time to do the nightly house cleaning and taking care of the baby..who prefers the 8-10pm time to play. But more than anything else, it has made us really really proud of our two independent boys. Sniff....gone are the days when they used to cry for me...gone are the days when I had to run behind them to eat (Oh yes..forgot to mention this..they started eating on their own on the table too...we keep two plates and food that they can pick with their hands and they mostly manage to eat till their hunger is apeased!)..and gone are the days when I used to think of them as babies...they are now BOYS!!!!

That's it for now...a slight headache today has left me tired, but not so tired as to capture the latest the kids are up to...so long, goodbye. Till they make me proud again!!!

The results are out..and I have passed!!!

2008-01-20T07:35:00.000-08:00

Yipeeee............its a girl!!!!! A 3.2Kg bundle of all that I had been waiting for! Thank you all for your wishes. Baby's doing great...least fussy of all, peacefully drinks and goes to sleep, giving me ample rest, unlike the brats she has for brothers. Kashyap so far has reacted very positively. He imitates how she drinks, howls and sucks her fingers, but Kautu!!! Thats a totally different story all together. All he wants to do is get his hands on her and wring every part he can get. Telling him 'no' makes him angry and he begins to pounce on her, so, the tactic we are trying now is to get him to touch her leg, hair, hands softly( unfortunately, soft is not a word in his dictionary!). And we do this with our hearts in our mouth. It would just take a fraction of a second for him to harm her, but we see no other way out!!!
Iam feeling better today, the stitches do pain if I sit for a while and my back has gone for a sixer. But considering the last time, we returned back from the hospital in four days when we had spent close to two months for the twins, I just had a c-section pain to suffer not an OS stitch one too...and the baby was shipped with me to the room when the last time I had to see my kids on IV and express milk for them in the NICU. And all the while I have been thanking the lord for having given me this chance to have a normal pregnancy and experience a full term baby else, my only memories of pregnancy would have been the horrifying twin one.
So again guys, thanks a lot for your wishes..it's all certainly helped for me. Shall respond to you all personally when I gear up energy. Bye!!

Its the D day tomorrow

2008-01-09T04:21:00.000-08:00

The wait seems finally at the end. Tonight I get admitted and tomorrow morning is the C-section. It feels like I have been waiting an eternity for this moment. And to ease the tension, Karthik and I went for a gold class experience of Taare Zameen Par. Truly, I didn't know whether to gasp at the movie or the lazy boy or the service or the ambiance. Had a wonderful, out of the world experience today morningr. The movie making me wet in the eyes and the wonderful chair...automatic recliner giving a pregnant woman just a day from delivery her most relaxed time.
Anyway, this has served to take my mind off the upcoming ordeal for a while, but now its all bursting back. As I pack the bag for the hospital, I can't but help think that in 24 hours I will have the next baby in hand and would have gone through another surgery. Anyways, do keep your hands crossed for me and send up a small prayer. Shall update you all after a few days.

Its been a while and too many things to say

2007-12-28T20:37:00.000-08:00

Its been some time since my last post and a few things have eclipsed everything else thats been happening the year round. A few days after my last post, I got severe cramps on the left side lower abdomen and slightly panicked, we ran to the hospital. The doc suspected a scar thinning and kept me under observation while mentally preparing us for an emergency C-section anytime that day. Luckily for me, by afternoon the pain was gone and so they concluded a cramp and not scar thinning and let us go free!! I've been a bit more careful about bending, lifting and sitting in odd positions after that!
Another very very important and psyching incident happened on Christmas day. Kaustubh had been suffering from fever the past one week and we took him to the doc early 25th morning. He asked us to keep giving crocin every time he has fever and wait for another 2 more days before starting antibiotics. Now, by 5 in evening his fever still hadn't subsided and we were due for another round of crocin by 7 in the night. Karthik was carrying him when his eyes suddenly rolled up, hands and legs started shaking and his head was rolling back and forth without any control. Karthik and I were screaming 'kautu' 'kautu' at the top of our voice as though the level of volume can somehow make the nightmare go away. The din woke up my sleeping mom and she came running out to catch us both shouting and patting the unconscious baby. While I called up the doc in panic, Karthik and mom ran with kautu to the car and sped away. Without taking a cell in hand. Later I found that kautu had gone blue in the face and his hands were stiff. My mom, in panic had done the right thing of giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation at the back seat while Karthik was driving, screaming and crying at the same time. Kachi was crying for him to be taken too and I was crying miserably for my child. He say be so broken down and stopped immediately. I took him and my Hanuman Chalisa book and sat by the pooja room crying and singing all at the same time. I was imagining Kautu's smile, his voice everywhere and praying with all my heart and waiting for the cell to ring. But when it did, my hands were shaking and it took some courage to lift the call. Karthik had been to the emergency of the nearest hospital and they had put him on oxygen mask and given an injection. Kautu was breathing normally, and was either asleep or unconscious, but the situation was not serious. Thats when my breathing turned normal and I rested my hanuman chalisa after half an hour of singing and crying. He had suffered from Febrile seizure which normally occurs due to increased body temperature. We transferred him to a bigger hospital that evening itself. My uncle came over and I went with him to the hospital. Karthik and I stayed back with him in the hospital that night, infact, he was there for a full two days. Some investigations, an EEG were all normal. An infection was found to be the cause of the fever and he was started on antibiotics for that. I too suffered from fever, chest congestion and sinus in the hospital and the ENT prescribed the same antibiotics for me too. All's well that ends well. We now need to be really careful anytime he gets fever till he is 3 years plus, cause once this convulsion happens, there is increased possibility of it happening again.

An experience we will all remember for a lifetime, talk about for a lifetime and with all this, how can we not but treat the kids as though they are the most precious things in the whole world? Now when I see both of them running around and playing, my mind automatically goes back to that incident and a small thank you is send heavenward for making it end up like this.

The debate settled unfavorably

2007-12-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

On whether this delivery should be a ceasarian or normal. The repository online seems to suggest that it is possible to have a normal delivery if it is after 18 months of a previous c-section (called VBAC, Vaginal Birth After C-section), and that the risk of uterine rupture(the previous C-section scar tearing) is very small (around 8 in 1000). But, the doctor I consult is totally against VBAC, says there is a high possibility of uterine tear and she cites a case wherein she was operating on a patient and another patient with a uterine tear was waiting for an OT. None was available and an emergency c-section had to be performed in the minor OT. Cases like these, I am sure are not common, but, they do occur.
On one hand, I do believe what she says when she mentions how traumatic it is for the surgeon, an emergency operation and a risk to the mother and baby. On the other, is this worth forgoing a normal pregnancy and going in for a major operation without even giving it a trial, just because there is a .0something% risk of complications? Left to me, I would like to go the normal way, but the doc here is even refusing to consider it since my delivery is within 3 years of the previous one. What are the options left to me now? With an understanding doctor who would stand by me through the labour, closely monitoring signs of any complications, I could I believe go through a normal delivery. But I would go in for it only if I have complete belief that the doctor feels as strongly as me the need to have it all normal this time. For me, it is more of a challenge..after the severe complications of the previous delivery, it was my challenge to my self to have everything normal (though nothing is in my hands except my attitude...and my attitude was one of complete normalcy. When the last time I spent almost the entire day in bed, this time, I spent it in office, cooking, taking care of kachi and kautu and the house, when the last time I traveled just once a month for the check ups, this time I made 5 inter state trips two of which were road trips). Of course, if there is substantial risk of complications, I am not the one to shrug it aside and be stubborn about the normal delivery just to prove a point to my self, but then, if it is possible, I would have loved to have it my way.
As of now, it is kind of too late to search another Gynec, and I do not want to get into an argument with her when she might be the one ending up holding the knife over my stomach. So, the date is being fixed, and the players are getting prepared for an operation anytime after Jan 5. Hands crossed, everyone?

Edited to add: A question raised by gettingtherenow was what was the complications that brought on the first C-section. Actually, there was nothing other than that a bacterial infection caused the OS to open, after which I had an OS stitching done (this was in the 28th week). I was bedridden in the hospital for a month after which labour pains started (33rd week) and they performed the C-section cause the babies were breech. Considering all that, this time, its just a single, and so far, touch wood, I have had no problems, shouldn't it be possible to get it all normal? If so, we need to either convince the doc. or search another one. I shall keep you all informed!

Of the fire and more

2007-12-05T00:34:00.000-08:00

Our office caught fire last week, the result of which was a week's vacation in Chennai and a complete 'work from home' for me till after maternity. I was planning on a Jan 1st deadline for work from home, but the big guys decided to save up office space and pack me off home a month earlier! So, now I am fulltime working, on the kids, the home, the food and ofcourse my code! The baby inside is acting up a bit these days...I get a pain at times in the lower abdomen and my back gives some problems once in a while, but overall, it has been a great pregnancy so far and I do hope it remains so throughout! Scary to think its just another one and a half months more to go and even more scarier to think that by this time (33 weeks), Kachi and Kautu were out into the world and lying in the NICU with drips and UV lights! My stomach was literally twice the size it is now and the discomfort, twice as less. Now I realise what it really means to have twins!!
I often think about how this would look..would it resemble Kachi/Kautu/Karthik or me...or as these guys are, become a mixture impossible to sort out! Would it drink milk and sleep peacefully or like them, make a fuss right from the word go? The baby is actually kicking more than either of the two ever did...so, does it increase the possibility of it being a girl? I hope to god it does! People say I am looking very pretty this pregnancy (I don't mind hearing that at all!! Afterall, the last one I barely left my mom's bedroom!) and so it must be a girl. Don't know what the logic is, but whatever it is, I hope it is true! I am now eager to see the twin's reaction to another baby. We have told them that there is a 'papa' in their mom's tummy and they kiss it goodnight and whenever they feel like it, but they also manage to stamp, hit, smash and throw toys at the tummy. So, I can take a good guess how they will possibly react to the next one..another toy? Something funny to explore? A crib is what we hope will solve the problem, but haven't got it as yet.
In spite of the hundred things running through my head daily, the sparkling of thoughts for the next one have started to come. I knew it would come as the date nears, and now, the anticipation of just how much our lifestyle is going to change and that of a new life is beginning to take precedence over whether these guys are eating and what mischief they are going to be up to next!!!!!

Sawaariya....

2007-11-23T00:11:00.000-08:00

I don't know who has written the below review, but whoever it is, deserves a big hug and complete credits for it! I haven't watched the movie myself..and after this review, would love to catch a peek at just what the "horrendously ridiculous"ness is all about!! Go ahead and read...

Sawaariya is one long song with some breaks for dialog. And by dialog I mean girly giggling by the chic and some punch-me-in-the-face expressions accompanied by pig-like grunting by the hero. One wonders if all the actors are the props and the set is the real star in this movie. I came really close to concluding that the bridge-over-the-fake-river is the central star of the movie, because everyone of the other actors looks like they were made of rock. And the rocks had moss growing over them. And the rocks were painted blue To say Saawariya is a crappy movie would not be correct. Horrendously Ridiculous comes close, but it doesn't really capture the essence of the absurdity that this movie is. After watching this movie I felt like tying up Sanjay Leela Bansali alone in a room, forcing him to watch a cockroach chase a spider round-and-round a water fountain for 3 hours. That too in blue light. Because seriously, that's what this entire movie is. It's two grossly untalented kids, who probably got kicked out of college for lack of attendance and ended up on this set to spend the rest of the day. And for the love of God, I can't figure out why the whole movie is in blue! Maybe the director was trying to get every frame half-black half-blue so that the WinZip compression would work better to save some electrons, what with all the global warming and all. That's the best explanation I could come up with, because nothing else can explain the lack of daylight (or plain light, for that matter) in this movie.

One year and a half year update..

2007-11-19T04:33:00.000-08:00

Times flown and here I am, sitting down the capture the one and a half year of an experience called "bringing up the twin terrors!" kachi and kautu (I don't know why it is in this order, may be because Kachi was responding to us much earlier than Kautu, who remained interested only in his toys till a few months back!) have been a part of our lives since May 18th, 2006 and managed to show me a few home truths along the way.

Kachi shows me how sloppily I drink tea...with a slurping sound and a blissful expression on my face, which till now I was ignorant of!
He shouts out for Appa, Amma and Aautu much in the same veins as the paperwalla shouts for paper early in the morning..a hoarse fishmonger cry that has Karthik n me wondering if this is how we actually call each other!
Kachu still remains with the six teeth he had four months back. We are yet to take him to the doc, but maybe, we should start back the milk that we've been denying him at 2 in the night.
He repeats every single word we say and the latest is "Adi" which means hit. Now he does something we would surely not like and comes to us, says Adi and hits our hands before proceeding to do exactly something else we would not like!
If he wants food, he screams "Mammu", sits on his mini chair with one leg up and keeps screaming "Mammu" till I rush with the hot food and the place the first spoonful in his mouth. Till this happens, only a cotton plug can save your ear.
Till a few weeks before, if we do not give him milk in time when he wakes up in the middle of the night, he throws away the bottle when we get it to him! One whack from karthik got rid of this habit, but we soon put a stop to the untimely feeding.

Kautu....is still the restless child. He just cries if he is hungry, thirsty, sleepy, cranky and wants something. So, it is left to us to figure out what it is that he wants and more often than not, we somehow manage to get it right!
All his words are single syllabled. He gets away with a 'Ka' for kaka, kaal (leg), kai (hand), car, a 'Pa' for paal, papa and so on!
He climbs on to everything with horizontal steps, and has fallen so many times that I have seriously considered having a custom made helmet for him.
Making him sit still to eat is the most difficult job of all. I feed him and Kachi alternatively and on most days manage to finish off in less than 5 minutes. Thats the max he will sit. And after that, no matter if he is hungry or not, its a no no.
He is on his legs every waking moment of the day. To see Kautu sit still is like rushing to take a snap of the rare moment.

One and a half years...and I am still trying out different techniques each day..for feeding, scolding and teaching. I wonder if I will ever be complacent in parenting, if I will ever settle into a routine with them and when I will start feeling comfortable being a mother. Maybe, when the next one comes along??!!!!

Whatz up?

2007-11-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

Whatz up here in Kachi Kautu world? Lots and lots!! A 750KM car trip to Coonoor with just the dad, a 7 month pregnant mom and the two of us!! Wow! This was last week for Diwali and guess what? Neither of us had a problem..in fact, we enjoyed being pampered by the grandparents so much that we wouldn't have minded if the parents had left us back in Coonoor, but my poor mom fell sick on the way back!! She caught a cold that soon turned into a sinus and chest congestion and is just beginning to get back into shape. So, while we run around like brigands, she's been sitting by the inhaler with steam blowing all over her and spouting from her ears every time she sees dad...mainly for taking her on a trip that cost two days of travel by road and that seems to have broken her already bent back!
Anyways, for us, we find more joy in each others company now a days...in fact, even fighting has its merit when we can run to dad and mom with a bruised cheek or hand and get the other guy into trouble. Why, we even bang our head (ofcourse mildly, but the parents don't know that) just so that they give us a good massage and a kiss! What do we not do for a hug and a petting! We find just about anything ridiculously funny these days. The other day, we were traveling to Coonoor (Thatha and pati's place, which is quite close to ooty). We were in our usual place at the back..mom and dad had stuffed the space below the seat with bags and put our blanket over it with a dozen or so pillows for us to play with and made it so cozy that we hardly ever bother them on these car trips. And so, to continue the story, Kachi had a thread hanging from his pant and I found it exceedingly funny! I would pull it and both of us would end up rolling in laughter at the back. Dad and mom would look back and smile at each other, but would never interfere..cause the moment they did, we would try to attract their attention and stop our games all together! So, we fight lots more, play with each other lots more and in general, we get this feeling that we are the court jesters here in our house! All mom and dad seem to do is sit and watch us romp around and we too..play every trick in our sleeve to get them laughing....so, till the next time we get a break from our hectic schedule, its tata from both of us...

Loads of luv,
Kachi and Kautu

God works in mysterious ways

2007-10-15T23:20:00.000-07:00

Now, I had mentioned in my previous post about how Karthik undertook a solitary drive over 360 KM to reach Kachi and kautu to the safety of their Grandma's house. He reached at 7 last Thursday evening and left from there at 6 in the morning the next day. Left for office in half an hour after reaching here and by evening, his left eye had begun to swell. And by night, it was oozing water and had turned bright red. My right eye that had swollen to the size of a cherry was just begining to allow light through the tiny slits. Both husband and wife lied down that night, each holding a towel to the eye and slept grateful that they were the ones suffering and not their kids, imagined the kids playing happily with their grandparents and thanking god that they were saved from this pain.
Next morning, I got a call from mom saying that Kachi's eye had begun to swell too! Ah..for all the well laid plans! They had booked tickets to take the kids to Kerala that day evening, now all that was thrown out of the window! Amma and Appa, along with kachi and kautu took the train that night from Chennai and reached here the next day morning, by which time, Kautu's left eye too was beginning to look red and kachi had just slits for his eyes! Mom's eye looked suspicious and were sure she had succumbed to it as well! Appa was the only one left out. He remained in the kitchen the entire morning, cooked enough food to last us a week and left the place with just a toothbrush in hand! Got the afternoon bus back to Chennai..and last I heard from him a while ago, he's absolutely fine! But, the kids managed to give the red eye to the driver in Chennai, who has a new born in his house, so, I am praying day in and out that the baby is alright.
In all, theres now a house in Bangalore (may be just one of many, looking at the sheer number of red eye cases here) that has all its inhabitants pouring drops into each others eyes, towels hanging out of every corner and everyone looking like pictures out of the gross horror flicks. Still, on the brighter side, Karthik n me get a whole week with the kids..no ones gonna come and interrupt this wonderful interlude for the fear of infection and my mom has a few extra days with us as well!! So, exclude the pain out of the equation, we are all fine...infection and all, kids are recovering fast, I am almost through it and mom and karthik's eyes do look red, but they too are in the last stages..and we still have three more days at home!!!
God's ways are not known, what we propose, he often disposes, but as I have seem ample times in the past, what ever happens, it always has a reason, a purpose and works out for the best. It is up to us to work out the reason and to draw our conclusions from it. There might be a few hidden lines in this post that might show what the reason might be, but, for now, let it just remain in my thoughts alone!!

The missing kids...

2007-10-11T06:40:00.000-07:00

I have contracted the dreaded conjunctivitis, and so, Kachi and Kautu have been packed off to their grandma's place in Chennai. More miserable than the pain in the eye is the pang of being without them. Hubby started on his long solitary drive in the afternoon today, and is yet to reach Chennai. Last I heard from them, both of them are being absolute gems, not cried once the entire trip and remained in their back seat like the great guys they are!! So, till tomorrow afternoon, am home alone..and letting my poetic skills wild and free...heres an ode to my kids...

It takes but a wink
To obliterate an entire link
What was before you a while ago
Is just now just a small memory or so.

Walking about the lonely house,
Devoid of both children and spouse
I hear their laughter, I hear their cry,
I feel them talking to me and sigh!

This is their book and that is their chair,
These are the toys they just won't share.
This is the bear with the missing drum,
And thats the doll which used to hum.

I am sitting by the table writing these lines,
They would have climbed on me like the clinging vines,
If I ignore them for a minute or two,
They would turn on each other to bite and chew!

They are funny, they are sweet,
They are a pure visual treat.
The biggest thing I right now miss,
Is hugging them close and giving them a kiss!!!

..I miss you guys!!!

Hip Hip Hurray!!!!

2007-10-03T23:24:00.000-07:00

This Monday was the D day. Packers and movers came at a real late 11.00 in the morning. We had earlier gone to the new house (a pretty old one, actually) and finished the 'Palkachal'. My mom and dad were with us, so, things moved at a very fast pace. Once the P & M got things started, dad, mom, me and Kachi and Kautu moved over to the new place and started cleaning it head to toe. We saved the owner so much trouble that when he came to fix some pipe, his eyes literally popped out at the cleanliness of the place!! By afternoon, Karthik and the P & M arrived and then, started the work! Dad and I sorted out the kitchen (this is smaller than our previous one, so, had to dump out loads of vessels to the loft) while mom took to taking care of the kids and doing the kids room. Karthik busied himself with the living room and would you believe it, by tuesday afternoon, the house was looking spic and span and it felt as though we had been living here the past few years! The curtains were up, carpets were down, all the paintings and wall hangings were in place and we even got the carpenter to finish the extra grill on the railings to make it children safe by the afternoon!!
We even had guests that day (dad's elder sister and her family had come visiting) and they said they couldn't imagine that we had shifted in just the day before! Every thing was fine, except that I got a severe back and abdomen pain by the evening. All the bending and folding took its toll on me and there I was....lying down for a good part of the evening. Still not too bad, by the time dad left on Tuesday night and mom on Wednesday night, we were all settled. Theres just our room to get done, my items (Karthik calls it "Make up and stuff"!) to be unpacked and then we'll call it a week!! Shall post the pictures of the house soon. Right now, I am just soaking in the light, the trees, the breeze, the sound of birds chirping and waking up to the gentle ruzzle of the leaves. Leaving you guys with a rozy picture to imagine...

A cup of tea at 6.30 in the morning on the big wide balcony, facing the neem and mango trees and Kautu standing nearby talking to the cat that still hasn't woken from its sleep. It takes me a solid half and hour to get back to reality.

Shift in house, a shift in perspective!

2007-09-24T23:29:00.000-07:00

The first update is that we are shifting houses!! Yes...moving from the lovingly decorated house with a very much used swimming pool, beautifully maintained garden and a spacious children's park and most important of all, our very own house to an 8 year old rented one! Well, things reached such a peak last week that we had no other option but to go house hunting. Being anti brokers, hubby and I scoured locality after locality, much on foot, and some by car searching for 'to let' boards and asking the local shopkeepers and apartment security. Believe it or not, we found a lot of houses by just spending three days on the hunt and finally settled down on a very old world, charming house. It is bang next to a montessori school (what we liked best about the school was the ample space for kids to run around, loads of trees and benches, in fact, it reminded me of my childhood in the open skies of Kerala!) and is owned by the people who run the school. The front room has french windows opening to a neem tree and there is a veranda by the entrance that faces a mango tree. In fact, the mango tree has a very horizontal branch that I have set my eyes on to put up a swing for the guys and me!!! There is a small garden by the side of the house, at present very unkempt, but for which I have made great plans already!! Every window in the house faces a tree..what more can I ask for? I have wanted to stay in such a place all my life and had lost hope..so what if it is rented...so what if it is going to be for a short while..I am going to make the best of it!!
Now for why we had to go in for a change..the traffic in Bangalore has come to such a state that what used to take me 20 min to reach back home from office now takes a good solid one and a half hours! Need you ask more? Plus, the bad roads, constant accelerator and clutch gives the now 5month old pregnancy a tough time. So, for now, till the next baby comes along and mostly till the traffic somehow gets better (lost hopes on that a long time ago!), we are moving close to my office..and I am going to get a garden and lots of trees for at least another year or so!!!! Keep your hands crossed...am gonna be moving soon!!

Ridiculous??

2007-09-12T20:54:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday I was reading Winkey's ways and humming Tharini's amazingly meaningless song to myself. Its catchy and racy and I was wishing there was a way to get the tune she was using!! And Kodi's mom tagged me today to give out Kachi and Kautu's names! So I went back, and read her list of names, to discover just how much we moms have in common! All of us associate our kids with Lord Krishna..it is almost instinctive. Deep inside, all of us would have wished for kids who are as mischievous and as cute as krishna. For us, the word Kalla (thief) is an endearment. Like how Krishna stole butter and hearts..our kids too are stealers and keepers of our heart. Ordinary words that, if called an adult would seem an insult, becomes terms that we regularly call our kids. Words that seem ridiculous roll out of our tongues with ease, confident in the knowledge that neither we, nor the kids can understand what it means, but can get the feeling with which it is said. And I have noticed that during sudden spurts of overwhelming love, the language deteriorates to the mumble jumble even a caveman would have been ashamed of!! If there is a psychologist out there reading this, could you throw some light on this phenomenon? Anyways, now for the actual ramblings!!

I will start out with a song my dear husband composed and that went on to become the song we put them to sleep with, every night. Infact, once when we went to Kochi for a wedding, our song became so infamous that we would catch someone humming it in his bath!! Various distorted versions sprang up, and each time we started singing it, those high pitched, off tune, laughter mingled versions filled our head, and by the time we returned from the trip, both hubby and I were cured of the song!! Luckily for kachi and kautu!!

This is for kachi..

Kachapu kalachapu
lacha lacha pu
dingitipu dingitipu
dingiti dingiti pu

Can also be sung as --- Kachapam ka lachapam etc. by converting all the 'pu' to 'pam'!!
Same goes for Kautu if you just replace the kachi with kautu.

One version is...
Kautapam ka lautapam
lauta lautapam
trinkitipam trinkitipam
trikiti trinkiti pam!!

Well, the names that we have concocted for them goes as...

Kachi kalla...if you ask kachi who is kachi kalla, he promptly and proudly points both his hands to himself and says.."huh"!

Kautu bhuji...This was coined by my neighbor..Akshara..a 5 year old whose main pastime was entertaining these guys. The moment they see her, their eyes will light up, a huge smile transforms their face and the three of them play together like old friends!

ammu kutti, pattu kutti, chella kutti, kachi chellam, kautu chellam, ammulus, pattulus, chakare (sugar), sundarus(handsome!!) and so on..are all used interchangeably with no noticeable reaction from the kids!!!

I'll sign off with the traditional song I sing for them (I sing it in Malayalam, but have translated it here in English) when giving them an oil massage...

Let the little legs grow and grow (while oiling the legs and cycling them, stretching them and crossing them over each other)
Let the little hands grow and grow (take both their hands and cross it over the chest repeatedly)
Let my little baby grow and grow!

Walking the tight rope

2007-09-05T09:44:00.000-07:00

I knew that going back to full time work would be tough. But I did not anticipate the first three months of light work load. I was put into a project which had a dependency on a deliverable from another site. And this, in plain english, meant that I was let off till that site delivered their work. So I just spent the last three months going over documents and giving presentations, which meant going to office at 11AM and being back by 4PM and doing the reading and most of the presentation preparation from home. Things seem rosy, right? But here is where the egoist in me took over. The work schedule was fine from the home front. But I wanted to be more productive in office. I started getting restless, though, as a mother, I should have been happy to let it go this way. The initial high over being able to work full time and still getting ample time with the kids wore away as I started feeling underutilized and could take no pride in the output I was producing. So, being the unreasonable me, I requested my manager for more work and there, bang! I got landed with a tough nut to crack. The mother of all problems was handed over. And now, I spend the night and day pouring over an issue that is threatening to loosen all the screws in my head.
I tried telling myself that I should spend more time in office to complete this, and that somehow, the more time I spend there meant that more work was being completed. This was true some two days last week when I had a whole lot of meetings etc. to complete the task handover from someone else. I would drive back at 9 in the night and come to a silent home. The kids would have slept and Karthik would have prepared my dinner for me. It worked for those two days. After that, I could really not miss being with the kids in the evening, and so, on Monday, I returned home by 5. Surprise after surprise, I found the missing urge in me and worked on the issue till late 12 in the night! And tonight, at 11.37PM, I have finally fitted in the last missing piece in the jigsaw and winded up the task. Phew! So, with the kids put to sleep, Karthik gone right off to deep sleep after the excitement of the Indian win, having finally solved the issue is like someone whispering to me that all is right with your world!! You are pregnant, a mother of two 1.3 year olds and currently enjoying the work you are doing without it being a strain on you. What more can a person ask for at this juncture? More strength and will power to keep it going as it is? More wisdom to manage everything and not let any disappointment get undue importance? More energy to keep running through the day, yet feel that there is nothing much to it all? Ye god...let me do all this and more...and most importantly, let my kids be this happy and more as we go along!!

I know you guys are all with me..so, here's to a happier journey ahead!

The before and after

2007-08-29T06:03:00.000-07:00

This ones taken a day after the massive hair cutting effort ...

And here's the one taken a month back..the curls are not obvious, you gotto extrapolate the hair to a month later!!

The first hair cut

2007-08-23T07:40:00.000-07:00

When the clock struck twelve, the two of them stood with a scissor and a sheet of paper in hand. They crept silently towards the room, opened the squeaky door with pounding heart and looked at the sleeping baby. "No" he shook his head " the light is not enough." "Shall we dare switching on the light?" she asked. He nodded and the light was switched on. The baby blinked in his sleep but did not stir. Picking up courage, she held a few strands of hair up and he swiftly butchered them. The piece of paper was quickly filled with lovely soft black curly hair that she slowly threaded through with awe. The hair that was on the baby when he was born..the hair that he had in her womb, the hair that first saw the world. She knew she was being sentimental, but there was something spiritual about cutting your baby's first hair. They turned the baby slowly to his side and started clipping the hair at the back. He cut it real fine at a spot and they looked at each other, laughing. "Just because they can't complain, we really shouldn't be cutting their hair like this!" he said. "We'll see tomorrow just how good barbers we are!!" and they had a good laugh together. "Come on, its time for the next" so saying, she emptied the paper in the bin and they moved to the next room. The baby was lying with his hand covering his eyes and so the light was not an issue. Professionals by now, they quickly finished clipping his hair and they could just but control their laughter at the almost bald sight their previously long brown haired baby presented. Hand in hand, they moved from the room and hugged each other for another milestone completed as parents...The first hair cut of their babies, which they had the good fortune to do themselves!

p.s...the next day brought in a lot of complements! The kids were looking great and the two first time barbers were applauded for the great work!! yipeeeee!!!!!

MISSING!

2007-08-20T03:06:00.000-07:00

Found missing since November 2005...

The person who used to be on her toes every second of the day, the person who used to believe that every second of life should be lived fully and till a few years back used to get anxious if she was not doing something worth remembering a few years from then (tho' she doesn't really remember all that she wanted herself to, so badly), the person who fell asleep trying to capture the myriad of things done during the day and failed because she fell asleep by the time she recounted till the noon, the person who at times felt like slowing down and relaxing like everyone else, but didn't know how to go about it, the person who got worried if a weekend was wasted by idling, a weekday was wasted if not working till 9 PM, the person who caught on 3 movies and a beer every week, the person who walked at 100 kmph and talked at 1000 words per sec, the person who did crazy things like ride the pulsar on the crowded highway, climb trees and play truant during final year college practicals, tonsure her head at age 20 and proudly go back to college without bothering with a hat, join an all boys club and go on two years later to become its coordinator and bring out the best performance with a team of majority girls and dare to fall in love with a person she met for 30 days in first year of college and managed to stay in love accross a distance of seven seas and a few continents........

I miss her a lot. If anyone finds her, kindly bring her back to me. She means more to my husband than me. If I could rewind the clock a bit, I would never have let her go, but she slipped so slowly from my grasp that it wasn't untill very late that I realised that she had gone. I am rediscovering her again, help me out, won't you?

Battle of Kruger!!!

2007-08-10T00:42:00.000-07:00

Oh Wow!! Theres nothing more smashing than this video! If you wanna know more about family values amongst the animals, this is the video to watch!! The commentary is original and completely spontaneous and what more..its a classic case of suspense, thriller and drama all rolled in one!!
Go ahead and treat yourself!

Edited to add: This is an amateur video shot at Kruger national part and has had more than 90 lakh hits in YouTube. A few questions I have that anyone can answer?

Please do read this only after watching the video...
1. How did the buffaloes communicate that they need to go back and rescue the young one?
2. Did you notice the way they prod the injured young one into their midst and quickly form a barricade against the lions. The image of a buffalo was so far that of a lazy, dumb animal..my opinion has drastically changed. What about yours?
3. The lions who fought with the crocs to claim their prize let go once they saw the herd of buffaloes. What amount of decision making has gone on in their minds...is there something in this video that makes us rethink all our preconceived notions of animals?

Pro-choice...

2007-08-06T00:20:00.000-07:00

I am definitely pro-choice..in that, you have a choice whether you want to conceive or not, not whether you want to retain it or not. For us, knowing that we have our hands full presently, and that we definitely want a second attempt for a girl child, it was just a matter of deciding when, and the fact that I have a PCO problem made our mind for us. The earlier the better. So, we waited for a year and then didn't mind it whenever it happened.
But does the rest of the world think so? A prominent doctor in a prominent hospital we went to, to confirm the pregnancy propped this question to us the moment I showed her the self pregnancy kit and told her that we are parents to one year old twins..."First tell me if you want to keep it". Wow! It was quite a shock as that was the last thing on our mind. Here we were sitting elated because I had conceived without any doctor intervention especially when my previous gynec was convinced I would need another set of follicle study and the paraphernalia to conceive and here was this lady...asking us in that harsh and totally unfeeling voice if we want to keep 'it' or not! We never went to her after that. The very next day we took an appointment with another doctor in the same hospital who thankfully didn't react the same way. A relief for us..for, we really didn't want to hunt hospitals down looking for a humane doctor.
And what about the reactions of others? I somehow think the main attitude was..."Does she really need this after having two boys?" Two is the mantra these days and no one could understand my need to conceive once more. There are relatives very close to my husband and me who have not congragulated us even once or mentioned this fact when they come visiting! I do all the house work, cooking, looking after the kids and not once will they talk about the pregnancy, or if my morning sickness is causing any trouble...sorry guys..not talking of it will not take it away! And then, there are others, like an elderly friend of my mothers who said that you should not conceive till till you first kid is atleast 2 years old..and proudly went on to tell me how she had two abortions after her first kid...and for no reason other than that her first baby was just one plus and she doesn't want the added burden of another right then. Solid enough reason to take a life? I am a strong believer in god. What he has given, he alone has the right to take. We can prevent..thats our choice..but after that, its no longer in our hands. Infact, more sordid stories started coming out from relations and friends once I told them I am pregnant..another friend of mine in office had an abortion when her first child was a year old..and why? cause she was already having issues in office and didn't want her career to get affected again. Then why not take care, godammit? Why be careless and then take a bloody decision? Well, I do truly believe in divine retribution and the lady who promoted abortion and got two herself lost her husband at a very tender age..I am really sorry for her, but I believe that we reap what we sow..and nature has a way of getting back at us.
This post might be a bit harsh, but, I have certainly gotten to know a few things I would have been better off not knowing and gives me a relief to vent it out at this forum. No matter how difficult things are for us now, and we know that they are going to be worse in the year to come, we are jolly well glad that another kid is on its way and Karthiks and my love for each other and the sheer joy we get by being with our kids is enough to take us through it all. We just choose to enjoy every minute we get with the kids..every minute with each other..and in fact, every minute of the day..so, won't you say its a wise choice we made??!!

Edited to add:
I think I am biased by the fact that I had a tough time conceiving the first time round ..and for an entire two weeks, spent time with dozens of wanna be mothers undergoing IVF. I saw their trauma and empathized with them so much that a baby has now become something very sacred..something that has to be worked for. And thats why we were so surprised, shocked, elated and grateful when I became pregnant out of the blue this time!! Maybe if I was not exposed to the other side of it, the side where people have been praying for a baby for years on end and suffering untold miseries, emotional and physical, I would not be so harsh on others who take the personal choice of ending it. But I truly well understand, as Anitha points out, that a kid who is not wanted should not be brought into this world by unwilling parents, but here again, we are sympathizing with the kid, not the parent. Is there truly anything that will make you sympathize with a parent that decides to let go of a life? The only other acceptable reason can be finances. But don't all strata of society bring up kids? If a life was truly important, we would definitely make the best efforts despite being financially tight. Lifestyles might have to be compromised, but it is just an inconvenience, not an impossibility. I can understand, but shall still be judgmental about couples who decide to abort because, somehow, every reason when you rip it apart, still boils down to either selfishness, an unwillingness to compromise and an aversion to physical pain. I know it is their decision, my feelings are not going to matter a bit, but, this blog, being my outlet, lets me vent out the steam inside and guys, please lets argue it out..is there something I have missed out that can shake the conviction I have?

Guess who??

2007-08-04T23:04:00.000-07:00

5RR 5r3xxxxxxxxxxxxe4rarzsd'[p;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;
a ;

After thwarting off a hundred attempts to hijack my laptop, I finally let Kautu have a free hand with it..and the above is the result! Needless to say, after that, he pulled up the start menu and all kinds of pages started appearing and thats when I dumped him off the ground...before he lands up here again..am posting it

Missing and mushing...

2007-08-01T01:31:00.001-07:00

One week kachi and kautu were in chennai with my parents. And that was a week that had me up a roller coaster ride...missing them one minute and savoring the freedom the next! I took a day off and finished the seventh Harry Potter...something that would have taken me a week or more with the kids around! Hubby and I caught a late night show, visited friends and made it a point to not return home before 11 every day of the week!
But for all this, almost half an hour of our time together, be it shopping, or in the car, or sitting face to face in a quite and secluded spot in the costliest of restaurants and trying to recreate the magic of yester years, kachi and kautu were in our thoughts and words! We would be discussing something and suddenly I would exclaim " you know, if kachi was here, he would be making a beeline for that plant there..." and karthik would say.." yeah..and kautu would be sitting on the table and swiping away its contents in a jiffy!!"..and we would laugh...a pure laugh of sheer enjoyment no other discussion of our could ever have brought out.
So, whats the freedom I was talking about? Its just an illusion that having more time means freedom. That one week has brought this to me... freedom is the ability to do what you want to fully well knowing its consequences. It is not having the time to do what you want to do. For instance, it is purely my choice, influenced by no other that I decide to sit here typing away than being in office..I know I am doing it while the kids are sleeping and I didn't go to work today cause they are sick. To me, this symbolizes freedom. When the kids were in Chennai, I went to office every day of the week, spent the evenings roaming around with Karthik, but those were things that we did purely because we had the time for it. Not because we weighed the consequences and took a decision. Being unoccupied or having ample time seems to be a bondage that bonds you more towards things that are not in fact essential for you. What is the use of time when your mind is occupied elsewhere? When your mind is happy, it is free to think, to philosophize and create. And happiness to me now...is in the smile of my kids and karthik's relaxed and contended face. And I am striving to keep these permanent with all my heart!!!

Back from the dead!!

2007-07-26T01:55:00.000-07:00

I have resurrected from the ashes..yup..the phoenix tears brought me back. Enough of this melodrama..it was just to tell you how happy I am to be back with all of you.

And why did I have to sign of the past two months? Nothing much, except that I started fulltime work and I am pregnant again!! I am three months into the pregnancy and you can imagine how it must have been, with morning sickness and suddenly finding yourself rushing to office and taking out on the rest room floor and missing your kids through the day! Am I forgiven for the months off??

Update on Kautu and Kachi..they are walking now...that cute baby walk with hands held to the chest and legs as stiff as a stick!! And they refuse to sit in a place..feeding happens only if I run around behind them, or in case I decide to sit down, they take a mouthfull, go exploring and come back and say "Amma" once their mouth is empty!!

I am feeling good now. Nausea is almost over and office work is pretty light these days. I still do only partime from office and part time from home, so, manage to get good enough time with the 'vanarams'. Have been catching up on all my favorite blogs, but its taken me a solid two months to adjust to the new lifestyle. Looking forward to hearing from you all, been missing the contact, and thanks everyone who expressed concern on my absence.

I've been tagged!!

2007-05-30T01:47:00.000-07:00

Oops...and to think I could forever escape introspection. The one thing I hate accepting is my mistake and now, to pen all my idiosyncrasies down for posterity is like asking me to take a cold water bath, drink cold tea and burn all the books in my study. Anyway, I am determined to make a sincere effort and here it goes...

1. I am a better mom when others are around (Took this line from utbt, it was just so unbelievably true and this is the first time I have seen a mother publish this fact for all to see).

2. I can't positively ever in my life have food, tea and milk less than boiling hot. Tea has to drunk out of the stove and I should be able to see the boiling water in the soup before I drink it.

3. I don't really enjoy driving the car, but have always acted as though I am the coolest behind the wheel.

4. I am really lazy when it comes to work. I achieve the best results only under pressure and I often take initiative to schedule presentations with very tight deadlines so that I do some decent work.

5. I enjoy being with my kids most when hubby is also around, or when I can show them off to their grand parents!

6. I can't stand hypocrites. Anything else goes with me. Selfishness, criticism, bad mouthing, and even false attitudes are fine with me. But, hypocrites and back stabbers have no place in my life.

7. I loved pregnancy for the attention it gave me.

8. And here it comes...the worst of all.....
I have assaulted my husband twice ... Once was this blazing fight when I threw a spoon at him and he got a minor cut on his eyebrow and the other time was when he tapped me and I tapped him back, but it did hurt the both of us. Both the fights were forgotten in minutes, but the fact that I did actually hurt him is causing me a lot of pain now!!

I think I have to tag somebody else, but almost everyone I know has already been tagged by someone else I know. So, when I know someone who knows less people who know them enough to tag, I shall tag them and let you all know.

On three wheels or four?

2007-05-28T22:52:00.000-07:00

I picked up my bag and rushed out of the door. And then, suddenly remembered that I had not taken the car keys. Should I or should I not? Shall I just give in to the temptation of taking an auto? Ah..for the pleasure of the three wheels to the four.

Have you not spent a good auto drive, chatting nineteen to a dozen with the cheerful driver? Or, spent an equally morose time with a grumpy one? No matter what, most always respond to commonplace questions from me, and the sure shot response is obtained when I comment on the bad state of the roads. A bit of concern for the auto neatly does the trick and before I know it, in a mixture of kannada and tamil, the trip passes by peacefully. Theres this real pleasure of sitting idly, watching the trees and houses go by, observing the attires and attitudes of people, grimacing at the rash driving of some and laughing at the antics of the traffic police (really, some think they are heroes entertaining the public, and others, villians to catch you even if you as much as cross the line by a millimeter). But, there inside the auto, insulated from the real life, you can let the tensions seep away. You know he will reach you in safety and anyways, its not in you hands, so why worry about it? You can sit back, and enjoy the roller coaster ride, reading the identity plates they have put up now a days behind the drivers seat, giving his name, place, fathers name and so on. There is never a dearth of entertainment, sometimes its the gas that got over, at others, a minor break down. Either way, the driver ensures that you are safely deposited in another auto before he repairs his own.

The only thing burning is the wallet. You are cool for you have had an entertaining ride and just begin heating up at the meter towards the end of the journey. Somewhere along the way, it decided to skip numbers or lost its maths and landed at an astronomically large value. Bargaining usually happens before the drive in many places (like Chennai), but here, it is almost always after. You inform them that you are a seasoned traveler and give 5 Rs plus your normal amount and pack off.

But ah..the joy of driving.. AC is a comfort in summers and the Radio Indigo blares all my favorite westerns. I love the feeling of overtaking a particularly irritating piece of vehicle and especially those 'we don't care a damn for others' BMTC busses, but nothing beats the joy of beating that which overtook you and then turned back to confirm if it was a lady who is driving! The freedom to change plans in the wink of the eye, the thrill of the near misses and the comfort in the rain weigh against the fact that I just cannot let my mind wander. I love to trace thoughts and hold on to it while traveling. In fact, this very post was thought of verbatim in an auto drive!

All said and done, are there many who would want to be behind the steering wheel in the maddening traffic when they can be behind the driver and his interesting license plate? I would rather not!

My hubby turns a year older...

2007-05-25T05:42:00.001-07:00

A year older, but retaining,
...All the charm that you had when we first met, over seven years ago.
...Your childlike enthusiasm and penchant for going overboard in doing whatever you love
...the innocence in spirit and willingness to believe the best in everyone
...the sincerity towards work
...deep love you have for me, in spite of me being a bitch most of the time!
...the worlds most horrible sense of humor, it can't even be called a PJ or a VPJ, its just P or VP!
...the athletic figure you always had without having to work for
...the high BP you developed four years back
...the deep bond for your parents that holds strong in spite of the strife we have had the last year
...the status of the online railway ticket booker for your in laws
...the receding hairline, by which I mean that it has stopped receding the past year!! Its still at the half bald state we left it in the last birthday!
...all your friends and adding more. You just can't fight with anyone except me, can you?

Ops!! You have come back from office..so, lemme publish it and give you a surprise. I will definitely add more later!!

Edited to add: Happy birthday, dear.

You are a year older and changing...
...to be a good dad to Kautu and Kachi
...to take a whole lot of responsibility on your head, yet, keep laughing and enjoying life to the fullest
...to manage the ever negative finances, which took a heavy beating during my pregnancy
...to support a slightly hysterical wife, whose depression after delivery is yet to heal.
...to rationalize more before taking a decision
...to put family first before everything else
...to tackle emotional issues with elan, when before you would have been the first to run away from anything that involved a fight or word war. You now hold your stand, yet, try to keep calm and keep me calm during any of our fights! Whether you succeed or not depends on my mood that day!

In reply, I bared the one month of....

2007-05-23T19:49:00.001-07:00

This is almost a guest post. I got the following email and with her permission, I am reproducing certain parts of the mail. It is so heart wrenching that for a long time yesterday, I was putting myself in her shoes and composing my reply over and over again.

Sheila wrote ....
.......................................................................................................
"

First of all, Belated bday wishes to Kachi and
Kautu(may i address them that way?). They are cute. Ur
blog is good. I visit ur blog but feel shy to leave
comments online. Besides I wanted to share a personal
matter. So, thought of writing u a mail.

My name is Sheila (name changed), am married and in Chennai.I love
to surf the net and came across ur blog. Actually i
surf for medical information and got linked to ur
blog. I had two premature deliveries in the 21st and
24th week and lost two babies due to incompetent
cervix.

I read in ur blog that u also had OS stitched and had
to be on bedrest, bedpans etc all of which i went
through. Please if u dont mind can u share some basic
information of ur pregnancy with me. I would like to
know at how many weeks was the cervical stich put for
you and what type of bedrest u underwent ( i mean just
getting up to go to loo or not getting up even for
that purpose). You mentioned that u were in hospital a
month before delivery and had to undergo sponge bath
etc, do share some details of that. At how many weeks
were the boys born and in which hospital?? My second
boy was born at 24 weeks in spite of a cervical stitch
and complete bed rest, but my water bag bulged out and
last 10 days before his birth , i was in hospital
using bedpan. My baby did not survive.

A sincere request, as i wish to keep my details
confidential, in case u happen to write abt my mail in
ur blog pls do not mention my personal information.
"
.....................................................

Sheila,
First and foremost, my deepest condolences for your loss.
But I do know that you have moved on from the very fact that you
are trying to learn more about what happened to you.

As for me, I have a condition known as PCO -Poly Cystic Ovary, due to which I
had to go in for assisted pregnancy. As a result of which, there were chances of
my uterus misbehaving. So, right from day 1, I was advised complete rest and a tablet called Duodilan (which helps in relaxing the uterus and preventing contractions).
I was started on this tablet the moment the doc knew I was having twins, as there is more chances of miscarriages with assisted twin pregnancy.

In spite of all the precautions, in the second month, the ultrasound brought out a
blood clot (called retro decidual seperation) just above both the embryos. I was
immediately hospitalized and given drips of the same tablet, Duodilan for four days till the mild pain reduced. I had brown discharge the next couple of days, but the pain never recurred. It was bedrest after this till the next scan. I would get up to use the loo, but was lying down all the rest of the while (and pretty boring it was, too! You cannot read or watch the TV much as your eyes start hurting after a while, so, it was mostly sleep and think and read a few pregnancy books!).

The next month scan was fine, the fetuses were growing well and the clot had
disappeared. The injections (HCG, to sustain the pregnancy) I was taking were stopped and that helped bring down my vomitting.
I had not used any tablet to bring down the vomiting, but after it went on for four and a half months, I took one in the morning for five days and that, combined with the stopping of the injections completely stopped the vomiting. Complete rest, except for a small evening walk was the mantra for this month.

Just before the scan for the 6 th month, I started bleeding. The hospitalization routine followed and this time it was duodilan drips for five days. But, all was fine after that. The month flew by and before I knew it, it was April 18th.

That day morning, I got this long white discharge in the morning. I called up the doc and she asked me to lie down and get to the hospital immediately. My mom brought the car, grandmom tied a dupatta tightly below my waist and I was taken to the hospital lying down in the back seat. I was totally cool, and was eating my breakfast when Amma rushed in with the car. She took one look at me and said that no one can react the way I did when labour was pre maturely starting! But, by the time the car reached the hospital, my leg weighed
a ton and I could not even lift myself from the back seat. My back was paining and lower abdomen felt very heavy. I was taken to the emergency labor room and the moment the doc did an internal examination, she said that one baby's head is almost out and that they need to do an OS stitching immediately to try and keep the babies inside. In half an hour I was wheeled into the operating theater and it was all over in another hour.

When I regained consciousness in the room, my mouth was parched, back was paining miserably and kaustubh (he was the baby lying lower down) was kicking away at the OS stitching. Every kick was misery and he just refused to stop. I wanted this misery to end...wanted the kids to come out then and there and wanted to just go home. All the bravado had disappeared by then. I was on drips and my stomach had reached much beyond a normal single delivery
full term uterus. And, this was my 28th week. Babies were 1.1 and 1.3 Kg. And I know now what would have happened had they been delivered then.

The nurse mistakenly asked me walk to the loo with the catheter on, just hours after the surgery and she got the showdown of her life from the doctor. After that one time, I was horizontal till my delivery. And that means, one month of lying down, bed pan for all natures calls, continuous pain whenever Kaustubh decided to make his presence felt, CTG to get their heart beat, hot flushes in the night and hubby and bro and dad and mom to support me day in and out. Every other day, hubby would give me a sponge bath and mom and dad would help out in washing my hair. I would put my head out of the bed and they would slowly wash and shampoo my hair. I would feel fresh and rejuvenated after that wash for the
next whole day. The antibiotics were one of the worst experiences this one month. After the cervical stitch, I kept getting infections and was injected antibiotics through an IV in the hand.

One was so viscous that after the injection, my palm swelled to the size of these giant frogs you see in Discovery and they removed the IV from that hand and inserted it in the other. Now, all the veins in one hand suffered from Thrombosis, and two in the other also suffered the same condition. These were the times I begged the doc to take the babies out..that I can't suffer any more. She rightly told me that I would suffer more if they come out earlier, but, at the state I was in, I was just praying that the doc would decide to operate anytime. She would come for rounds every day and every day I would eagerly wait for her verdict. It was always, you still have months in the hospital to go. I remember begging
her to allow me to sit for just a second, but she was adamant. She also got me
some stuff to put on my legs to prevent muscle wastage from continuous lying down. Hubby would massage every night so that I can get a few hours of sleep.

At the 33rd week, I started getting back pain again and by then, my lower abdomen was astonishingly heavy. My tummy had grown so big that I needed Hubs help to lift it when I turned side. CTG was put again, and the internal examination showed that the stitches were beginning to come out. By evening, the drips too had no effect and the pain started coming in shorted intervals.

The rest is all history. 9.54 and 9.55 PM on the 18th of May, Kaustubh and Kashyap were born, 1.9 and 1.79 Kg birth weight. The next ordeal was about to begin. NICU was going to be my next home for the next few weeks and that is another post on its own.

But I know that I have suffered less than a lot of people. And I went through it all with a big smile on my face! Yes..the doctors and all the visitors I had that one month in hospital told me how I was always cheerful and how in spite of the eager wish to be rid of all this, I kept my spirits high. My husband was with me day in and out, we used to lie next to each other on my hospital bed and say Hanuman Chalisa every night, he brought the DVD player to the room and used to get english classics for me to see, dad n mom used to make trips every afternoon getting me lovely home food so that I don't have to suffer the unpalatable hospital food and much much more. I had all the physical pain to suffer, but my family made sure that emotionally I was kept happy. I know that I have never been this happy in the months following the delivery.

I hope I helped you, sheila. I hope all goes well for you.

Lots of love and prayers,
Krishnapriya

B'day snaps...

2007-05-21T20:33:00.001-07:00

The day after the birthday party...Kachi and Kautu have decided that one year of fighting is enough and they will be nicer to each other from now on!
My dad and mom having a great time with the kids!!

Kids and their new toys...only, their elder friends decided that Kachi n Kautu are too small to play with these, and were almost snatching it away from them!

Having a free hand with the cake..
Just decided that the cake is a pretty harmless thing and their hands won' t hurt if they smash it up!

Grandparents feeding the kids..
Lighting the lamp and cutting the cake!

Angry at not being able to touch the knife..

First birthday bash

2007-05-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Kachi and Kautu turned 1 last Friday. We thought and thought whether to have a big b'day bash and decided not to go in for it. For one thing, we really didn't believe in blowing out candles and cutting cakes (we are supposed to light lamps and bring light into their lives, rather than blow out the light!) and for another, we would end up the most harassed, all running around for the party and no time at all to socialize with all the different crowds, wondering whom to spend time with, if one party will feel left out when we spend time with the other. But I did want to do something special for them.

So, we finally ended up celebrating the 18th with just my mother and the four of us. First got a lovely suit for them, and then proceeded to Dominos to eat our hearts out. Kautu slept within minutes of reaching there and Kachi swept the whole place with this new pants. He also acted as the doorkeeper, waiter, shoe polisher and table cleaner for everyone. We raced back home and kautu refused to wake up even during the rough ride home. Kachi meanwhile, spent another one hour entertaining all of us at home. He was crawling around his room, climbing in and out of bed, switching on and off the lights and fans, hitting every solid thing on the floor and making noise, singing and shouting and we were encouraging him every time he did something. And he is such a sucker for praise, that whenever he feels he has done something we would appreciate (like reaching up and catching something I have asked him not to take), he will turn back and look at us. After he switches on the light, he turns back and sees if we are appreciating his effort. And so, any way, he spent the whole hour entertaining us, and was there to wish me a 'happy delivery time'!!! Dad also called up at 9.54 pm and wished both the guys a happy b'day time! (Kautu was born at 9.54pm and Kachi at 9.55). And we then hugged both the guys, put Kachi to sleep and spent the night reminiscing 'this time last year'.

19th was a Saturday and we decided to call a few people home for dinner. Pretty late to round up people, but since we were calling only those whom we were really close with, we thought it didn't matter. And so, spent the whole morning shopping for stuff and rounding up our friends. Got a lot of satin ribbons and did up the house. Blew a few balloons and let Kachi and Kautu have a field day with them. Amma was busy the whole day making Channa curry and 'puttu' (a kerala rice item) and Karthik was incharge of the ice cream and fruit salad. Kachi and Kautu were incharge of recharging us. So, on the whole, the day passed very fast and it was soon time for everyone to come.

Our neighbors arrived first and the rest of the friends slowly tickled in. Once my dad arrived from Chennai, we set the table for the cake cutting. And as I mentioned before, we let go of the candles and brought out the lamps from the pooja room. Kept it in front of the cake and karthik and I lit it holding Kachi and Kautu. We cut the cake, fed the guys and then.....let them free to enjoy their cake on their own!!! Check out the snaps for that! The rest of the evening was fun..chatted with everyone, fed them to their hearts content and played with the guys. Kachi n Kautu were such darlings, not one moment did they crib or were they uneasy the whole evening. In fact, they took to all their new toys and started dissembling them immediately!

A tired family plonked out, tired but awesomely happy that the first b'day went off so well, happy that the kids have turned 1 and their age is no longer counted in months, happy that from a mere 1.6 Kg last year this time, to 9.5 Kg, they have come a long way, happy that they got over all the initial hiccups of infections and aspirations, happy that they respond to us so well and finally, happy that they are such happy and healthy little boys.

May god bless these two and give them a long and healthy life. The rest of it, they can make for themselves!

Check out the snaps in the next photo post!!

Good housekeeping!

2007-05-14T18:59:00.000-07:00

You might have to squint your eyes to read this, but it is definitely worth it. We talk of feminism and male chauvinism, but this one definitely takes the cake. I stumbled upon this while searching for housekeeping tips and couldn't but share it with you all!! Let me know what you think!!

Its been a wheezing week...

2007-05-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

I would have wished for the past week to have whizzed by, but it wheezed by! My sense of humor is not exactly first rate, so, you should begin to expect lines as these! But yes, Kautu got a bout of wheezing after the mysore trip we had taken last to last week (I didn't write about that as I didn't want you all bored by the details of a journey where nothing happened, except that Kachi shat in the car!) and the poor guy has been suffering since. We did give him his prescribed medicine (Deriphyllin), but cut down the dosage as he seemed to recover fast. However, he still hasn't made a good recovery and has bouts of coughing and sneezing and a running nose the whole day through. The home remedy that sure shot works is inhaling. But as you can imagine, no child of one year is going to peacefully sit through your attempts to butt his head into a cauldron full of steaming water. And so, every morning and evening, the house is filled with his desperate cries, till his parents can't stand that wet hair, leaking nose, red face and loud cry anymore.
After that I rush about getting a blanket and covering him up totally so that his body doesn't cool fast (This is something my mom used to do to me too, ahh..yes, you guessed right, I too had severe wheezing and asthma problem when small, which disappeared mysteriously when I turned 10 years!). And does he look adorable, all wrapped up, basking in the attention he's been getting over Kachi and trying his level best to wriggle out of the tight wrap.

Kachi's been feeling left out the past week, so, decided to get himself a cough AND stay awake the whole of yesterday night coughing. I did give him his drops, but no relief here. So, I spent the night putting a coughing Kautu to sleep from 12 to 1.30 AM and a coughing Kachi to sleep from 4 to 6 AM, so, was pretty much bushed by the time Kautu woke up at 6.30. Luckily for me, my in laws have been here the last two days, so, they took full charge of Kautu till I got my real needed sleep.
Bringing up twins is a good load of work (bringing up a single kid is too, and I really admire the parents who have to cater to the needs of their first born and the completely different need of the second, the infant or toddler) but on nights like yesterdays, I feel that the toughest situation a mother can ever face is a pair of sick twins!!!! Both need to be carried around, massaged, steamed, syruped, fed, patted, rocked and sung to, for them to forget coughing for a while and fall asleep. And since their dad has to be in office the next day, the burden falls on the mother, who for all intents and purposes is supposed to be at home, and so, can 'rest' during the day!!! huh?? But no complaints here, through the hard work and effort, theres the satisfaction that the babies slept when I rocked them, when I sang to them, they cling to me when sick and they need me to be with them all the time, as long as their nose is leaking and their throat is itchy. And for all the cribbing I seem to be doing, I would not have anybody else take care of them when sick. Not even their dad. I can't sleep in the other room hearing the cries of the other baby. I am able to assure myself that the baby is fine and not really suffering as much as his cough seems to indicate, only when I am the one holding him while his little body rocks in the spasms. This is not to say that the dad doesn't feel all this, he is affected too, but, by now, he has kind of gotten used to Kautu getting a wheezing attack once a month and Kachi getting a running nose once in a while. Also, he does not get to see them suffering the whole day through, and I think this gives him a chance to practice 'I don't see them, so, I assume they are fine' syndrome. Its a great syndrome that enables one to work efficiently in office leaving the kids at home!

They will not need me a few years from now, and I am enjoying their need and their single pointed devotion while it lasts!

After the wheezing whizzes by,
And the coughing crawls away,
A tired mother lets out a sigh,
But never ceases to pray.

p.s. I like rhyming words too (if that makes it a poem, so be it!).

No one has written...boo hoo..

2007-05-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I think I have got addicted! One day has passed and none of my favorite bloggers have written a post! I have an assignment to finish and my kids are screaming out here, but all I can think of now is that I have nothing interesting to read.

Whats a morning now a days if I don't sit by the table with a hot cup of 'Chai' and start browsing my favorite blogs? Yup..thats the very first thing I do, even before brushing my teeth. Their dad has to go to office, but I grab this time from him and relish the first half an hour of the day! After he leaves, I rush about, feeding the kids, playing with them, giving them their bath (this is a good half an hours activity, they splash around the tub, go nosing into all the buckets, in fact, Kashyap has recently started putting his head into the bucket full of water and blowing bubbles into it!), give their milk and put them to sleep. And then, I do what I am doing now!!!!!

First, go through all my favorite sites (I am very picky here, I go in the order of my preference), comment on relevant topics, start playing around with softwares etc. that I can insert into my site to make it more pleasing (I haven't scored much here!) and then write my own post. I have just discovered what a pleasure this networking is. It has given me the boost to strive further in being a mother and a working professional. I have read very well thought of, very well written and very meaningful articles on both Stay at Home Moms and Working Moms. I have read about the movie Mozhi, the pangs of leaving college, the humor on board flights and the nasty things that can happen there too, the perception of mother and much much more.

The beauty of all these posts is that they all come very true from the heart, from ones own experiences. Much unlike the articles you find in the newspapers or magazines. They just lack the lustre when compared with the blog posts. Each post by each person is unique. In most cases, they want to convey their experiences, their feelings, thoughts and argue about things they hold very dearly. And most bloggers are very well read and have beautiful language. I feel it is almost like an interactive 'Chicken soup for the soul'. With immediate responses and solutions. I have got great advise for two of the issues I face and let me tell you, I value it all the more because it has come from people who have had the first hand experience of it.

So, do you wonder why I say 'boo hoo' when there hasn't been a post from anyone?? I love the stimulation and I love the writing! I am a certified book junkie, but you bloggers have turned me into a blog junkie as well! So write please, and make my day.

As they are about to turn a year...

2007-05-04T01:29:00.000-07:00

I am wrestling with a few identity problems. On the one hand, my husband wants me to learn further, pursue my higher studies and on the other, I want to spend time with my two.
He has a valid point. Its just a matter of two years till I finish my MBA and then we can build a totally new different life together. And that these guys are definitely going to be proud of what their mother has achieved once they are grown up.

But I can't even begin to imagine the amount of sacrifice I need to make for that. I need to get in somebody to take care of my babies, I will miss being with my husband and when I come home in the weekends, I will notice the diminishing attachment in their eyes. The problem here is that most of the reputed MBA institutes insist that you stay on campus. This must definitely be frustrating to married students. I am not sure if there is any exception that is made for them, but as far as my limited knowledge goes, there is none.

This is a call that I have to take. It is not necessary that I get admission, but in case I do, then what? What if it is to an institute in another city? Would I be fine visiting my family once a month and for a few days at that? I will be missing out two complete years of their lives, is it worth it? On the other hand, its just two years compared to the lifetime of comfort and pride that I can give once I am through with this. And, on a personal note, MBA is something I have always wanted to give.

According to my husband, I should think of it this way. I have two fine children, my finances, though still running negative with all the pregnancy expenditure, is beginning to stabilise and my husband's career is going forward in full force, so, it is time for me to start thinking about myself. Time to put things in perspective and say that..kids are kids, they will grow up to realise that their mother and father are not just mom and dad, but also individuals who have hopes and ambitions of their own and that they should care their parent's ambition as their parents care for theirs. I know they are too young to realise all this, they are just going to miss their mom, no matter what. But later on, when we tell them how much they helped their mom reach where she is at that point, don't you think they will be proud of both themselves and me?

Another factor here is my husband. He truly feels that I can do much more than what I am doing right now. Agreed I am working from home, but he feels that I should have pursued my MBA dreams a long time back and wants to make amends for it. He is feeling guilty too, that while many of my peers have gone on to study further, I am still where I am. I told that it is really no issue at all, I am fully well enjoying myself now, but he still is worried. Worried that I had to give up something for the family and that I am wasting the faculties that the good lord has showered me with.

So, in all, its still a confusion. Theres a lot to give and take on both arguments. We still haven't decided. I still haven't applied for CAT and GMAT. I still don't know if I ever shall. But let this go down on the internet chronicles that we both wanted something and if we didn't go ahead, it would be solely for our sons and if we did, it would be for ourselves. Both are justifiable, and the step would be taken with absolutely no regrets! So long, guys, wish your mom and dad all the best.
They are going to take steps that just might change your lives altogether!

Why one blogs...

2007-05-03T04:15:00.000-07:00

I have a few links (1,2) that explain beautifully why one blogs. The conclusion you can draw from these two blogs is that, one blogs for absolutely one's own reasons.
In fact, writing a blog does not need a reason. Do I sound confused here? Let me explain. There is a theory in psychology which states that some people behave as they do, only because they can. Behaved rudely only because no one stopped them, used something only because it was available. Though this might have been how they started off, very often, it becomes a behavioral condition, or a habit. For e.g., I read an article about how a child, intelligent, well respected in his school and a great favorite with his friends, behaved abominably at home. On analysis, it was found that there was nothing wrong with him, except that, he daren't behave the way he does at home elsewhere. He didn't face any parental censure, so, behaved as he wanted with them!
For all the number of words I wrote above, the fact I wanted to convey was just this, I write blogs only because I can. I started out like that, and now, its become a habit, a compulsion. The pride that one associates with growing up something, be it a child or a blog is the same. I take pride in the comments my readers write, in the number of htmls I add to my blog, in the number of posts I put up and what I write in them.
But, over and above anything else, I take pride in my children, my work, my husband and my home, for I take effort over everything only because I can.

Recipie for a better self esteem...

2007-05-01T05:35:00.000-07:00

Mind you, being fat, overweight and obese didn't make me loose my self esteem. I told my self several times over and over again that it is the person inside that counts. No matter what the outer wrapping is, I am a great person inside, confident, understanding and intelligent. It shouldn't matter to anyone who really loves me, what I look like.
But no matter what said and done, no matter how well I carried my self, theres always the shopping experience to pull you back to reality. It was when I would go to buy a dress that I would lament my weight. I would end up looking at my self in the dressing room mirror and see the frustration mirrored in my eyes when a dress that I fell in love with, would just not fit. Towards the end of an hour or so, I would grit my teeth and take the only ones that would fit me. It would not hold a candle against the ones I really liked. Thats when I would resolve to loose weight. But this feeling kept roller coasting.
Around January this year, I started getting severe knee pain. I could not even stand for five minutes at a stretch, leave alone bending and picking up the kids. The orthopedic told me that there is nothing wrong with my leg other than the weight I am putting on it. This gave me the scare of my life. Me, a 25 year old active woman, being reduced to this? That challenge was enough to get me going.
....What I did...

The first three weeks, I just spent in slowly reducing my intake. I started out by replacing all the high calorie food with lesser ones.

milk -> slim milk (Nestle, Amul etc.)

sugar -> sweetner

rice -> atta (whole wheat) noodles

Rest of the care I took:

no oil

slim milk and muesli for breakfast and dinner

loads of vegetables and noodles for lunch

diet rusk for tea

fruits whenever hungry

Thats it!! Lost quite a lot of weight with this diet (around 3 KG per week) and then moved on to General Motors Diet the next week. It is quite a difficult diet to follow, but is supposed to cleanse your system and give a good weight loss. A scientific program that ensures that you stay healthy but remove all the extra deposits.
I found only the first day very difficult to follow, rest of it was pretty much smooth sailing. Did feel a bit weak at times, but since I am at home, could take adequate rest and recuperate.
Lost a total of 4.5 Kg that week and have been maintaining that weight till now.

P.s: A small note!! I followed the healthy diet through the week and relaxed on weekends. It was more to let go off my craving that I ate a bit of rice and the usual food I serve my husband, and less of the need to give my tummy a change, a small reward for managing to stay off the fatty food! Do go through this note about metabolism and diet. I think I did just that. Reduced my daily diet to a healthy one and once my knee problems were gone, started exercising to build up the muscles.
I feel good now. I no longer have the urge to keep eating everything in sight. My hands don't rush for the oily snacks on the counter nor my eyes wander to the high calorie food on the menu. But I still do eat them once a while to remind myself that I am not missing out on much. Just some oil, some fat and a bit of taste!!

inspiration...

2007-04-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

I just realized that I am an inspiration to many. There are lots of categories in which I could be, but, what I really am is in my weight loss. I got a call yesterday evening from a mother of two, the youngest being five months old, telling me that she read my blog and was amazed at the metamorphosis that I underwent.
We then shared my dieting experience and what all I am doing to maintain and reduce further. I really loved the fact I could make a difference to somebody and I hope that I can help out more. I am publishing two snaps of mine, not unlike the 'before' and 'after' snaps by the slimming institutes. I am just happy to be rid of all that 20Kg and want everyone else to be rid of theirs too.
But a disclaimer here, I started the weight loss struggle only after my kids refused to breastfeed. Till then, it was an uphill task to eat as much as possible, prompted by the wrong age old notions of, 'you get as much milk as you eat'! Though a feeding mother does need to eat well, it surely doesn't mean finishing off half liters of ghee in a week, eating rice three times a day and drinking two litres of milk a day. And god forbid, your child doesn't suck enough to get a tummy full of milk, you face the wrath of these 'know alls' who say you compromised your child to loose weight. These self righteous women drive me crazy. They might have left their kids off with their parents, or got the servants to feed them, or agreed, they might have taken care of them themselves, but that doesn't give them the right to question how others are rearing their kids. I am venting some hard feelings here, but the fact remains, and I say it again for all the self righteous people who are reading blogs to find faults with others, that I started the weight loss after my kids STOPPED FEEDING off me.

The 'before' snap: Taken just before their Namakaranam in Chennai, Aug. 21, 2006 when kachi and kautu were three months old. I was 96 Kg then.

The 'after' snap: Taken at a cousin's marriage in Nanjangud, April 26, 2007. I am 76 now, still raring to loose some more.

Do share with me your experiences. I would love it if I could help someone out.

15 minutes in the life of 'Vanara Sena'

2007-04-23T20:11:00.000-07:00

Kachi is singing to himself standing by the computer table and Kautu is talking to himself sitting under the dining table with a bottle in hand. Their dad has just gone to take bath and here I am typing away. It might seem innocuous to you, but any minute things can change. As I type, Kachi has left his table and is making a bee line for Kautu. Kautu in turn is now stranding up holding the dining table chair and biting away at my lap top charger and straining to go 'ay' (Its our way of saying 'he's trying to shit!'). Kachi meanwhile has left Kautu to himself and gone in search of his dad. Found him outside the bathroom door and is now tugging his leg to let him inside the bathroom.

That room is their all time favorite. The moment they are bored of my company, they head straight for the bathroom and drum on the commode. And we are careful to keep it closed..you can imagine where they would get their hands to otherwise!

Dad's just come out of the bed room all dressed up to go to office and Kachi is looking lost. Kautu has joined him there to relieve his boredom and they are now fighting over a bag of mine my mother gifted. Kachi has it in his mouth and kautu's pulling it away from him. Kachi is giving his war cry and pulling it back from him. Our maid is in the room and talking to them, trying to maintain some semblance of camaraderie.

Kachi has donated his bag to Kautu and is now standing holding the bed. He's got today's paper in his mouth and is pulling it vigorously. Once he ate some paper and vomited all the food he had earlier. So, I just rushed there to pull it out of his mouth.

Maid was keeping the bottles in the sterilizer when Kachi, reached out and pulled the sterilizer down. So, she unceremoniously planted both Kachi and Kautu outside the room and they are now circling around the dining room.... My brigade by the sterilizer

My husband calls them the 'Vanara Sena (Monkey army)' and if this is their activity in just the last 15 minutes, you can imagine how much 'Vanaram' work they do by the end of the day!

What happened at lunch...

2007-04-22T03:28:00.000-07:00

And so, for lunch today, we waited and waited till Kachi cried out with hunger. With an eager bowl of food I sat down to feed him. The first spoon near his mouth and his head goes from left to right and back and mouth is closed as tight as is babely possible.

Maybe he should see a baby pychologist. I think his parents have just failed to understand him.

Frustration...

2007-04-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

Thats what I feel right now. I just spent the last half an hour trying to get a spoonful of food into his mouth and succeeded in getting exactly 3 inside. He purses his lips and holds it so tightly closed even when he's entertained and distracted that no matter how long I sit, its still going to be three spoons. He wasn't always like this. Even till last week he used to eat when distracted with this toys. When his concentration is fully diverted, he used to open his mouth and eat. But now, no matter what I try, he's just not opening his mouth.

And I stopped feeding him after that half an hour of fear that I might give him a strong whack right across his cheek. I had a tough time keeping my temper in check and turned it on instead on my poor husband. He is still facing the wrath and trying to guess why I suddenly turned on him. Once he has put Kashyap to sleep I shall apologize and make him wiser.

Are mothers allowed to have such feelings for their real young 11 month old babies? Cause I've had this kind irritation and anger when they were just 1 month old. I would try my level best to make them breast feed, but they would suck a bit and then demand the bottle. I would sit for hours expressing my milk and giving it to them in the bottle. Imagine the hours wasted...First expressing at least 120 ml, then bottlefeeding them, one after the other...my days were spent inside a single room, sitting on that plastic chair with a pillow in my lap to support them or a bottle in my hand expressing. I have been very angry with them for not taking the effort to drink from me..."Babies, its not my fault that I had to start the bottle for you. There are two of you and I find it not humanly possible to breastfeed both of you, especially when you both cry at the same time and there is no help around..I am sorry for that, but why can't you just try drinking from me now instead of switching loyalties to the easier to drink bottle? I still want to feed you.."

My husband has an idea...let him go hungry till he cries for solid food...or even the bottle..give him milk till he wants to eat something solid. I don't think I have the heart for that..I shall keep trying till I can control the anger, till he cries from the irritation of being fed, till he runs away when he sees me coming with food. And once he does all that, I shall stop feeding him, feeling totally rejected till he comes back to me for food!

Bad Bad mom...but then, an equally bad bad son. We make a good good pair.

Sibling sentiments

2007-04-20T21:53:00.000-07:00

I have heard other mothers talking about sibling rivalry and read a post on sibling love. Yet, what I see in my two sons seem not to correlate with either. May be they are not big enough to get feeling of brotherly affection, may be all they want now is just motherly affection or may be, they both are just two very independent and assertive people (their taurian nature superceding everything else!).

Kaustubh, when he is not pulling Kashyap's hair is either slapping his cheek or kissing his cheek. I find it rather difficult to understand. Does he know he's hurting his brother? May be not. But, he does definitely know by now that kissing his cheek is a display of affection, cause he frequently kisses mine and his dads. Kaustubh just pulled Kachi's hair. And don't worry about the cry...he cries this much even if Kautu as much as touched his face!

Coming back to the issue, Kashyap isn't bad either. Once, when I was changing Kautu's wet shorts, Kachi came up silently and poked him hard in the eye. My heart popped into my mouth and I desperately tried to quieten Kautu to peep into his eyes. It took me nearly half an hour to achieve this, but my heart came back to its usual position only after I saw that his eyes were fine and not even reddened. And I did get angry with Kachi for this. Not that I told them anything now...they would just get upset and not understand what the fuss is all about. But then, back in the deep recess of my mind I realized that this was fair justice after all, Kachi was just taking revenge for the innumerable hair pulling sessions he had been subjected to.

I couldn't get a snap of it, but yesterday, kautu was kissing kachi all over the face. Kachi who usually cries when Kautu as much as comes near him, lied still throughout the whole kissing episode. Neither did I gladden at this, nor did I despair for its infrequency, for I knew this is a passing phase. They would be down at each others throat the next minute, but for an instant, I felt some hope. Some hope that things might get better once they start playing together, once they realize that the toy is meant to be played with than bitten into, once they see that two is better than one at a game, mainly, once they grow up.

My hands are crossed. I hope they grow up to appreciate the differences in each other, to see how they complement each other, to help each other out of situations and remain indifferent of the inevitable comparisons being twin of the same gender can evoke. I hope I can instill in them enough confidence to take it all light and take life with all its failings in their stride.

I hope your hands are crossed too!

Murphy's law for toddlers

2007-04-19T22:35:00.000-07:00

1. How is that when I mix less formula milk,they cry out for more and when I mix more keeping my hands crossed, they fall asleep half way through?

2. How is it that when I fix the time and give them food, they refuse to eat and when I wait till they are hungry and ask for it, they again fall asleep from the sheer exhaustion of playing?

3. How is it that when I don't give them a head bath for days fearing a cold, they fall sick and when I bathe them daily they are hale and healthy?

4. How is it that when I give them a good warm long bath to make them sleep longer, they wake up after half an hour and when they sleep dirty, they sleep for hours on end?

5. How is it that when I pick up one kid, the other always comes running, but when I just sit observing them, they look and smile and continue playing?

6. How is it that these two can be so exhausting yet so lovable? So troublesome yet cuddlesome? Jealous yet innocent? Viking warriers with each other, yet kittens with us?

7. How is it that they shit just after we put the diaper when they have been roaming around in trousers the whole day?

Can anyone truly understand babies?

routine chaos

2007-04-19T08:56:00.000-07:00

Have you read this post about setting a routine for babies? I have always wanted to set a routine for my kids. But they have always wanted to set a different routine each day. And if it continues for a day longer, I call up dad in office and tell him...'hmm..see, I've developed this new routine for them. Now, kau and kash sleep after breakfast for an hour, wake up to eat their carrot and play till 4, I give them a good nice bath and they sleep till 6, play till 8 and sleep after dinner. So you don't have to worry..I've got it all sorted out'. He says 'hmm..great. So you finally have figured it out'. And the bubble bursts the next day. They refuse to sleep after breakfast, play till their eyes turn red with sleep (it does remind one of a tom and jerry episode where tom keeps his eyes open with a toothpick to stay awake) and sleep at 6 to wake up at 8 and stay awake till midnight.

Now, how do you justify this? I am the same, the food I give them is more or less the same, but still they manage not to have a routine. Yes, the blog I mentioned talks of how children may be better of as adults if they do not have a routine, if they grow up to become a different from others personality. But, is it really worth while me not setting a routine for my self just because they don't have one? I like to wake up late, say 7 or later, sit with a cup of tea for a while, put on the FM and start the kitchen work. And then, I like setting a time for me to do office work, rather than when kau and kash decide to sleep and I would definitely feel immensely happy with myself if I could feed these guys on time. But am I being selfish in this desire? Are all kids routineless or is it just mine? Should I have done something or can I do something to bring some order into our lives?

As the writer mentions, there is just a thin line between good routine and an obsessive one. I think I become obsessive at times, I feel down when they are not hungry way past their lunch time. I blame my self if they haven't had enough milk during the day, though they might have said a firm no every time I pushed the bottle inside. But I have also realised something...that they eat best when they ask for it, they drink best when they are thirsty and sleep best when they fall asleep on my lap after playing four hours at a stretch. It took me this long to come to this, mainly because, Kau and Kash were premature and needed all the forceful feeding the first three months of their tiny life to fill out into who you see now, so I still haven't prepared myself to let go and let the tiny ones dictate what they want. As we know our body best, they must also be knowing theirs, we only have to be astute enough to understand what they are conveying, instead of pushing our routine into them. I am trying to go by that, I am trying to let go ...

Today their dad came back early and we took them by the swimming pool and the park..I let them play in the sand..didn't object when they threw it at each other, but definitely intervened when they decided to put it in the mouth. They came back all excited, had dinner and promptly slept without having taken a bath the whole day. 'Thats what they wanted' I told my self, but somehow, theres a niggling feeling that I have just found a way to justify neglect on my part!

eating out

2007-04-18T21:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we took our kids out for dinner, rather, we took them with us for dinner! I went for a swim and rushed back to change and pack their diapers and bottle. Husband was already ready in his office clothes, babies were fed and happy, so all was fine. We rushed to the basement, me carrying Kaustubh and Kashyap safely tucked in his dad's arm, with their carry cots dangling from his arm and their bag precariously placed in mine.

He started the car to exclaim loudly 'Oh...the headlights are not working'!! Great. But I really wanted to eat out and I said 'Thats fine. We'll rush to the nearest hotel'. Now, we have a real steep incline at the exit of the parking lot. He took our 96' model maruti 800 up the steep with the AC on and it came straight back. Picture this...I am sitting in the passenger seat with Kashyap on my right leg and Kaustubh on my left. I try holding them tight, but they wriggle and stretch and try to take the steering away from their dad, and in the meanwhile, their dad is fighting a lost battle keeping the car in the incline. So, the four of us head backwards towards a pillar and he breaks in time. Does a tricky reverse and accelerates in full force towards the exit, throwing all of us a few centimeters in the air. The kids have hit themselves in the head a few times both against each other and the window. I gulp and look to see if they are alright...a lot of claps and a cry of sheer delight from Kashyap and Kaustubh looking as though at me saying with his eyes ' any problem?'!

And we go on....in a street enveloped in darkness, yes, it goes to say a lot for our luck that the power cut began just then. We move slowly to realise that the intersection ahead had been mowed in the afternoon to make way for a subway and we have to take a big detour. And we trudge along, trying to contain the two brats on my seat when all Kashyap wants to do is stand on his dad and get hold of the steering wheel and Kausubh is hell bent on pricing the Ganesha statue from the dashboard. Still, we manage to make it to the restaurant close by, though it became rather far now. Ah..but the dust due to the mowing enveloped the air as even a thick fog would not. No way I was taking my kids out in this and so, we turn around to go to the next 'nearest' hotel.

Lots of greenery, supposedly famous restaurant and we felt that our trip could still be salvaged. Entered the family quarters to find we are the only other family there. Found rat shit on the seat and torn papers all around. Still we decided to go ahead. We had not suffered all this for nothing. So, with Kachi clinging on to me and Kautu to his dad, we ordered our starter and soup. By now, they started their raucous, dancing on the sofa, Kachi climbing onto the table, kautu climbing down and crawling on the floor and hubby decided its high time to give milk and settle one guy down to sleep. We drew lots and kautu was decided to be packed off. So, milk was prepared and fed and he settled down peacefully in his carry cot. Aha...still the rest of the evening left to enjoy...Kachi was handed over to a waiter and it broke my heart to see him clinging onto to him and staring around as though we had abandoned him forever. Still we were both hungry by this time and attacked all that was placed in front.

The attack lasted exactly one minute. The food, other than being unpalatable, was also utterly oily and cold. We looked around, wondering how in the world is this restaurant called famous and do people actually come here, to find it filling up fast. We looked down to find a rat scurrying across. We looked on our table and found real foul food. And then, we looked at each other, ate to just fill our stomach and gathered up everything and hurried away. En route, we saw that the place was packed by now and anger swelled up in me. Are the expectations so low? Don't people expect good food, healthy food when they come out to dine? Can't they see how the pricing is against the standard of the food served? Are their wallets so big and their stomachs to used to rotten food that they can digest both the food and the cost? We were so disappointed that we didn't even complain to the manager. I mean, if it has to get this worse, they must surely know and if they haven't taken any action, then its their neck they are stretching out.

By now, even Kashyap was asleep and I held both the sleeping guys in my lap as we crawled back home. 'Well', he hold me, 'that was a terrible dinner. I am feeling sorry for the bad time you had. Kids are asleep and we can get back to a quiet house and spend some time together'. I smiled and started to relax. It started raining..so hard that it looked like a hail storm. I looked questioningly at him...why hasn't he switched on the wipers? He grins sheepishly and says 'Wipers aren't working either'!!!!!!!!

Weighty me

2007-04-18T02:40:00.000-07:00

I have always suffered from a weight problem. I have been called names all my life and have had periods of being slim to overweight, with the slim period being very slim indeed. And so, when after pregnancy I gained 25 Kgs or more to nearly touch 100 Kg, I decided, its time to take stock of my self and reduce, to if not less than pre-pregnancy, to definitely pre-pregnancy weight.

Somehow, the urge didn't come till Jan this year, 2007. I knew that I couldn't run and in fact, even my walk was a slow gait of an 80 year old. But what pushed me to take the initial step was a very painful knee. I went to the doctor expecting some Physio and reasons like hormone issues to be told that I needed to reduce weight and fast. By then, I couldn't sit on the floor, stand for more than 5 minutes and even pick up my children from the bed. There have been nights I have cried myself to sleep, telling over and over again how I was just 25, beautiful and smart and how much in life I am going to miss out if my knee remains as it is. Then my husband, being the practical man he is, said that all I have in my hands right now, is to reduce weight. If my knee gets alright, then I have done my bit to improve my life, else, thats how it was fated to be!

Well, for that and that alone, I did what I have never done in my life before....dieted like no end! I dieted for a complete 3 weeks, very strict diet and lost an astounding 10 Kgs to become a completely new person. I now swim for an hour everyday, still watch my diet and am fitting into all my old clothes (of course, there are parts of me that don't exactly fit, but then, being a mom has to show somewhere!!).

I still have to reduce 5 more Kg to get to my ideal weight, but isn't a transformation from 96 to 76 truly a remarkable achievement? And I am proud that I could do it, if not for my health, at least for my husband who told me that the one thing he wants the most in his life right now, is a healthy and slim wife!! (What don't we do for our men!!!!??)

I am having twins!

2007-04-17T21:56:00.000-07:00

Nov 6-Nov 21, 2005
Chennai, India

And the day finally arrived! I went, walking slowly, scared to crush the petals beneath my feet, supported by my husband into the scan room. And, the first thing the doc said was...'Wow! You are having twins!' Thanks doc, but I knew it all the while. Somehow, during the horrific sessions of vomiting, I knew that I was going to have twins. Just a premonition, a feeling that I was harbouring more than one life in my womb. I had mentioned it to my mother who refused to believe me, and I gave her the thumbs up on returning from the scan. You should have seen her eyes popping out. Both hub. and I were excited. Two at one go..what more could we want? Especially after all we had been through.

So, I called up my office and asked them for another month extension, of course, loss of pay, but what the hell..I was going to have twins and anything would do for that. Gynec had asked me to be extra careful, no walking fast, lie down most of the time and eat well. I was doing everything except the eat well part...I was still vomiting like no end and my harried mother would try to change the menu every meal to see if there was just something that would not rebel and stay inside. But no, seems the new born embryos just didn't want anything other that what was already in my blood stream, so I said fine, you get what you want and started putting in just what would stay inside, sugar, pongal (a south Indian preparation), puttu (a Kerala delicacy) and avail( another Kerala dish prepared with a whole lot of veggies). No tea, coffee, nuts, fruits, spices, tamarind ..nothing that an expectant mother is supposed to eat. I was worried it would affect my kids (in fact, every single thing I did, like just turning over, slight pin prick near my belly and a tablet I ate which my Gynec herself prescribed would trouble me) by my grandma, who'd had twins in her second pregnancy (and went on to have 9 more kids!) told me that she survived the first three months on just soda..and my uncles were fine for all the under nourishment they got while inside.

So, I continued doing just that and going for my injections twice a week. The doctor taking the injections used to feel for me. Sometimes I would vomit outside her clinic, some times before leaving from home, but whenever it was, she could see I was suffering. She would tell me how she had never vomited for her pregnancy and I would leave the place with a halo around my head feeling martyrish for all I am going through.

Hub would come every weekend, and he continued it till my delivery, missing just one weekend when he fell sick. It surely is no joke, travelling from Bangalore to Chennai every Friday night and returning back to an empty house. But those two days were my life line. I used to lie in bed counting days till the next Friday and being overjoyed when it was Wednesday..yes!! Half the week done, just another half left. And he would treat me like a queen those two days...take me out very carefully (driving our old and battered omni at 20kmh) and buy all kinds of delicacies for me, not that I could eat all of them, but that he bought them for me! And Sunday afternoon I would start my feeling sorry for myself session.

And then, he bought me the one gift that carried me through my pregnancy......

I am pregnant!

2007-03-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

Nov 6, 2005
Chennai, India

Yes...the frustration of the last two months are over and I am finally pregnant!! Its November 6, 2005, one day after my 24th b'day and I have received the best gift I could get..Both my husband and I didn't sleep the whole of previous night...I even woke up at 3 A.M and did a hurried pregnancy test, but nothing was obvious..some faint patches, but nothing conclusive. With a heavy heart, I slept again.
The lab technition took my urine sample and came back with two bold lines on a tiny strip. The only proof that I am pregnant. I wanted to save it, but by the time I realized that, the doctor had placed it safely in her dustbin and scrounging for it was not the ideal way to celebrate my pregnancy! But all celebrations were to be controlled till we get the baby in hand, as I had had some difficulty in conceiving and god and my doctor alone knows just how many hormones were pumped inside me, so, it was to be total rest, no traveling and good diet for the rest of the pregnancy. Not bad. Very achievable. So, I decided to stay back in Chennai..taking an unlimited loss of pay leave from my company and planning to have the best of my time with my parents.
I was to have a hormone injection twice a week, for the next 10 weeks. Things were fine till the 6th week. And then started the vomiting. It started out with once in the morning and everyone in the house were excited..I was finally getting some symptom of being pregnant and my mom was telling me that this was the time when women actually knew they were pregnant, only I had been to the doctor before because of my hormone issues. After the first injection, I started throwing up more often and very soon, it became every two hours. I would have just finished having something as light as an apple and there, it would all be on the floor. We tried all combinations of food and beverages, but I was throwing up without discrimination. Then it struck me that I was taking out whenever I was vertical and so, I moved to the horizontal, staying in bed atleast one hour after eating. Things became a bit better and I now had a bucket partly filled with dettol water near my bed. So, every time I felt like taking out, I would just tilt over and pour my self out into the bucket. This worked and I could even make it out of my bed for an evening juice. The day after the injection was the worst. I would start vomiting blood at the end of the day.
Amidst all this, I knew my baby was growing. Though there was nothing to show, I just knew it. I also knew that there was something special waiting for me, some surprise, something different that would come out the next scan. Each day was now a wait till the next scan.

That and more, the next post!

Before a mom

2007-03-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

Nov,1981-Nov,2005
Cochin,Kerala-Chennai,Tamil Nadu, India

Mom...I have wanted to be a mom from when I saw a baby, that was when I was 10 years old. It was dream to have a cute little bundle, full of mischief, laughter and fun. I would run over to any neighbors place if they had a baby below 2 years. Carrying the kid around made me feel big. My chest would be puffed up with pride and I would comb his hair, dress her up with my clothes and donate my earrings, bangles and toys.
And then, I got married. Marriage was the best thing that ever happened to me. I married a guy I loved since my first day in college. We married five years later and would have spent a total of 30 days seeing each other during those five years! He was three years my senior and went to US one month after we declared our love for each other. After that it was the nightly phone calls..I would wait beside the phone, braving the biting cold and the long drawn conversation of another lovesick hostel mate to finally talk a few hours with him. We survived five years with nothing but the phone cable and wireless web between us and finally, after a long, frustrating wait, we tied the knot.
I wanted to do all the things I had been dreaming of those lonely years without him..jive, salsa classes, adventure trips, traveling far and wide, exploring places and restaurants and much much more. Kids were no where in the picture for me for a long time. But, as nature would have it, I faced a hormone problem and was asked by the gynecologist to conceive as early as possible. The fights that followed, the tears, the attempt to buy some more time all got me one year. I had one year of uninterrupted time with my husband. We made up for those five years in full and he satisfied my every wish even before I could express it.
And then, it was show time. I conceived with some difficulty. By then, I too wanted a baby badly, but nothing prepared us for what was about to come. The next one year, saw me being thoroughly traumatized, tested my patience to the core and showed how much strength I had during adversity. Being pregnant and being a new mom are experiences that most women share, but what I had to undergo would probably be one of a kind...the next post would have it all!!!