A diary entry..of doubts and fears

When I hear of how children are like clay and we, the parents are the hands that mould them, it fills me up with a lot of fear and misgivings. What if I have moulded them wrong? What if the way I am raising them, as against the wishes of their grandparents (who forever want the kids to be raised the way we were, the traditional Indian way of running behind them with food, letting them watch TV to their hearts content, sleeping with them both during day and night and feeding them milk as many times as they want in the night) turns out to be wrong?
Both my husband and I have wanted the kids to be independent. We love it when they eat on their own, when they take their bottle of milk and sleep without being sung lullabies for an hour. We feel great when we take them to a restaurant and they sit with us and eat without attempting to get on the table and sweep everything to the ground. But the grandparents differ. In fact, my mother feels that the emotional bonding between me and the kids will be less because I don't sleep with them in the night! What?!! Here I am, working from home, managing to spend most of their waking hours with them, when, my parents left me with my grandparents from when I was 3 months old to go to work. So, where is the justice in her statement? On reflection, I told her that because she didn't get the mornings with us, she was making up for it by having us sleep with her and dad till we were atleast 5-6 years old. Here, my kids are pretty stable and contended and I have no issues in them sleeping alone, as, when they wake up, be it morning or night, I am there right at home for them. And about running behind the kids to feed them. I have pointed out time and again that she had only one infant/toddler at a time to handle. I have two toddlers and an infant to handle simultaneously. So, the only way I can do justice to all of them is by making them independent enough to eat on their own and not waste everyone's time by taking an hours running around to feed. We use the saved up time effectively by indulging in rhymes and games. Isn't that the way to go? Justify as much as I can, it still doesn't erase the sprinkling of doubt that...could they be right? Will my children feel less attached to me and their dad because of this? I don't think so, but......

Two weeks up and here I am

....holding an infant in my arms and wondering how we are managing the boisterous twins and the infant alone!!! Yes..my mom left day before and after that its just been hubby and me. And its not been bad. True, kautu took a fall from his chair and hurt his lips and Kachi managed a small poke at the baby's eye..but other than that, its been fine, no..rocking! Baby's been giving me 3-4 hours sleep in the night and the 'vanarams' (this is how karthik and I refer the boys, means monkeys in tamil) are now sleeping on their own. No need to lie down with them and sing lullabies, we give them their bottle of milk, make them lie down on their bed, tell good night and bye and close the door. In a few minutes, the milk is done and they are asleep! This new development is the biggest relief for us. Frees up ample time to do the nightly house cleaning and taking care of the baby..who prefers the 8-10pm time to play. But more than anything else, it has made us really really proud of our two independent boys. Sniff....gone are the days when they used to cry for me...gone are the days when I had to run behind them to eat (Oh yes..forgot to mention this..they started eating on their own on the table too...we keep two plates and food that they can pick with their hands and they mostly manage to eat till their hunger is apeased!)..and gone are the days when I used to think of them as babies...they are now BOYS!!!!

That's it for now...a slight headache today has left me tired, but not so tired as to capture the latest the kids are up to...so long, goodbye. Till they make me proud again!!!

The results are out..and I have passed!!!

Yipeeee............its a girl!!!!! A 3.2Kg bundle of all that I had been waiting for! Thank you all for your wishes. Baby's doing great...least fussy of all, peacefully drinks and goes to sleep, giving me ample rest, unlike the brats she has for brothers. Kashyap so far has reacted very positively. He imitates how she drinks, howls and sucks her fingers, but Kautu!!! Thats a totally different story all together. All he wants to do is get his hands on her and wring every part he can get. Telling him 'no' makes him angry and he begins to pounce on her, so, the tactic we are trying now is to get him to touch her leg, hair, hands softly( unfortunately, soft is not a word in his dictionary!). And we do this with our hearts in our mouth. It would just take a fraction of a second for him to harm her, but we see no other way out!!!
Iam feeling better today, the stitches do pain if I sit for a while and my back has gone for a sixer. But considering the last time, we returned back from the hospital in four days when we had spent close to two months for the twins, I just had a c-section pain to suffer not an OS stitch one too...and the baby was shipped with me to the room when the last time I had to see my kids on IV and express milk for them in the NICU. And all the while I have been thanking the lord for having given me this chance to have a normal pregnancy and experience a full term baby else, my only memories of pregnancy would have been the horrifying twin one.
So again guys, thanks a lot for your wishes..it's all certainly helped for me. Shall respond to you all personally when I gear up energy. Bye!!

Its the D day tomorrow

The wait seems finally at the end. Tonight I get admitted and tomorrow morning is the C-section. It feels like I have been waiting an eternity for this moment. And to ease the tension, Karthik and I went for a gold class experience of Taare Zameen Par. Truly, I didn't know whether to gasp at the movie or the lazy boy or the service or the ambiance. Had a wonderful, out of the world experience today morningr. The movie making me wet in the eyes and the wonderful chair...automatic recliner giving a pregnant woman just a day from delivery her most relaxed time.
Anyway, this has served to take my mind off the upcoming ordeal for a while, but now its all bursting back. As I pack the bag for the hospital, I can't but help think that in 24 hours I will have the next baby in hand and would have gone through another surgery. Anyways, do keep your hands crossed for me and send up a small prayer. Shall update you all after a few days.